


Distance And Loneliness Are Synonyms

by asimplefiction



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: AU, Actor!Buck, Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Christmas fic, Christopher is obviously the best son, Eventual Smut, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff and Angst, Like lots of pining, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Pining, Rimming, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Loathing, Slow Burn, Smalltown!Eddie, You know I can't write a Buddie fic without butt sex!!, different POVs, rated for later chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:35:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21563875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asimplefiction/pseuds/asimplefiction
Summary: Five years ago, Buck made it big as he got a part in the breakout hit called "Station 118". He has everything he could ever ask for, but at the end of the day, he still feels so lonely. He decides it's finally time to go back to his small town where he's left everything behind.Five years ago, Eddie's best friend tells him that he's leaving. Eddie understands that it's for the best, so he lets him go only to realize that he was in love with him this whole time. It doesn't matter though because Eddie's happy now,  though constantly tired from working two jobs, he's built a little life for him and Christopher. It all comes crashing down when he sees Buck again, and everything changes, but his feelings remain the same.-TLDR: A painful AU Christmas fic with a happy ending because we need more of those in this fandom. :)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 119
Kudos: 481
Collections: Buddie AU fanfics





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by all the other fanfics I've read in this fandom about our two stubborn, oblivious idiots falling in love, but not realizing it. Come talk to me @imadethisforbuddie on tumblr.

If there was a word to describe Buck, it would be lonely. He didn't always feel this way, but the last few years have left him exhausted and incredibly lonely. He’s never been more tired, more exhausted than this moment where he lays down on his bed, tempted to check Eddie's instagram with airplane mode on, so that he doesn't accidentally like one of his posts. Yeah, he's miserable, at least he can admit it. You see, Buck has been alone for all his life, and it's his fault, really, he knows that, but he knows exactly the moment when his life turned from lonely to incredible, unbearable loneliness. 

He knows that he's pushed so many people away. He’s barely rekindled his relationship with his sister, and he had to fly across the state in order to do so. Running away was the best thing that could ever happen to his relationship with his sister. It was not her fault, really, but Maddie was moving forward with her life at such an immense rate that he felt like if he didn’t stopped living off her couch, failing in auditions, he would lose his mind. He couldn’t even resent her. 

Here was Maddie who made a name for herself after she had the courage to run away from her abusive husband and get with an awesome guy, Chim, and here was Buck - stuck, not moving forward, very much in love with his straight best friend, and suffocating working his dead end job. He needed to get out of that town, so when he got his big break, he ran and never looked back.

Buck thought that having 48.8k followers on Twitter, a large house (a mansion practically), hundreds of both men and women throwing themselves at his feet, men signing NDAs and crawling in his bed at night, thousands of unread messages and fanmail (can you believe that people still send actual, literal fanmail?) would somehow quell his loneliness, but in the midst of LA, it still hits him. The sheer weight of his loneliness is almost too much time sometimes - like a tsunami engulfing him, drowning him in the quiet of the night.

He was running for so long that he didn’t even realize it was five years since he lost contact with Eddie. The pain of how he left things was duller now, a familiar nag somewhere hidden in his chest that he couldn’t quite touch, but was constantly aware of. It had been five years and there were so many new names and faces that he was linked to through tabloids and headlines. His agent, Hen, was right when she said he was going to be the next “It Boy” on television, and he was. 

A year stint on a TV show turned into a returning cast member into a pivotal character, and the days blurred into years, and it’s almost as if Buck never even lived in that small town, never left behind his friends, his sister, and Eddie. He was offered guest appearances and even some movie deals, and everything just happened so quickly that he wanted it to slow down. He knows he should be grateful of the name he made for himself at “Station 118” - the runaway hit, and he’s so grateful for Hen, but the show was on hiatus, and the loneliness crept up on him.

Buck snaps back to the present listening to the deafening silence of his house. He’s made a name for himself, but he was still so lonely. He ached and missed something that he couldn’t quite put a finger on. Hen always told him that it was always during the show’s break that made Buck drown in his feelings, and that it would be okay when the show picked up again, but Buck can’t help the nagging feeling that this is not how his life was supposed to turn out. 

He picks up his phone and dials his sister.

“Buck?”

“He-hey, Mads,” it was so good to hear his sister’s voice. Their last phone call a few months prior.

“What’s wrong, Buck? You know it’s late, right?”

“Yeah, I was wondering,” Buck pauses. He almost regrets calling his sister, almost regrets what he’s going to ask next, but his loneliness forces him to spit it out, “What are you doing for Christmas? I was wondering if I could come and see you, if- if that’s alright.”

Maddie gasps in excitement, “Buck?” She practically shouts, “You mean it? You’re coming home?” He almost feels guilty for not coming home earlier. He just didn't know how. What if he ran into Eddie? What would he say? How could he explain himself? 

“Ye-yeah, if that’s alright with you,” Buck hesitates. It’s too late to turn back now.

“Alright? Of course, it’s more than alright! I’m so excited! I’ll tell Chim and everyone, they’ll be so excited!” Buck can think of one person not being so thrilled of his return, but he doesn’t want to rain on Maddie’s parade. He lets his sister go on about all their plans, and how she will set the extra bedroom for him, and she promises she will have Bobby (a name he hasn’t heard of in so long) and Chim cook dinner, but she’ll help she promises. 

They finally hang up after they realize how late it is, and Buck opens Eddie’s Instagram one last time before going to sleep. The last photo uploaded was Eddie and his son, Christopher, beaming. Eddie is holding Christopher in his arms as they both look at the camera in what seems like Christopher's classroom. Eddie is still in his uniform, and Buck almost cries at how Eddie smiles his gorgeous smile that's only reserved for Christopher. The caption says, "I would go to the ends of the earth for this kid, and that includes being hit on at Back To School Night." Buck can't help the lurch in his chest - the size of his loneliness and jealousy sitting there, but he has no say in Eddie's happiness. He's lost that privilege a long time ago.

He thinks about how much of a mess their relationship is. Was it too late to back out? Was that a coward thing to do?

He books his ticket before changing his mind.

\----

If there was a word to describe how Eddie felt everyday, it would be inadequate. He overslept and almost forgot to pick Christopher up from school - again. He’s shaking the sleep from his eyes, almost regretting picking up an extra shift at the local coffee shop after his 24 hour shift at the fire station, but he needs to do this. For Christopher. 

You see, he’s been saving up for a very expensive, a very fancy school for Christopher. He knows that his insurance will cover some of it, but he can sure use the extra cash to cover tuition and any other unexpected expenses. He knows it’ll be worth it because Christopher is worth it. He’s failed this kid so many times that he would do anything (losing sleep, having zero to no social life, looking like a zombie) to make him smile, to make his life comfortable, to make sure he has the best education. 

He arrives at Christopher’s school, and he sees his son waiting for him on a bench outside. It’s cold, and now he feels doubly guilty. He’s lucky that it hasn’t started snowing yet, and Christopher just sits there, wrapped up in his sweater and his scarf, and when he sees Eddie’s truck, he smiles from ear-to-ear, waves to Eddie in the car, and starts walking.

Eddie meets him halfway, “Hey bud, I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Aw, Dad, don’t worry, it wasn’t that long, and Billy was here before his mom picked him up.” He’s grateful for kids like Billy who treats Christopher just like everyone else, “Except then Tommy came, and he’s kinda a dick.”

“Christopher!” Eddie is shocked at Christopher’s sudden curse word, “What did he do?"

"Oh nothing," Christopher says dismissively, "I don't wanna talk about it." Eddie knows that Christopher is getting to the age where he craves more independence, and he debates whether he should push the subject or not.

"Okay, but if he's being mean to you or bullying you, you have to tell me."

"Yeah, Dad, it’s fine," Christopher states, “Tommy and I just need some space for each other. Good thing it’s winter break.”

Eddie laughs. He picks Christopher up and puts him in the car, "What do you say we go get a hot chocolate at Carla's before we head home?"

"You still feel guilty about picking me up late, huh?" Damn his kid's intuition. He was never that smart when he was Christopher's age, and that's why he needs those extra shifts. He needs to give Christopher all the best opportunities that he can. He needs Christopher to know that he's going to do his best to give him anything he needs. 

He doesn't want Christopher to feel shortchanged because he only has one parent. It has been him and Christopher for so long that it feels like it's him and his son against the world. He knows that he can ask his Abuela and his friends for help, but he doesn't want to burden them. They would do anything for Christopher, but he wasn't their son, Christopher was his son, and it was his duty, his responsibility to provide for him in any way he can. 

"Dad," Christopher sighs, knocking Eddie out of his thoughts. The same thoughts he repeats in his head every single damn day.

"Sorry, buddy, what did you say?"

"I asked if we can watch Station 118 today." 

Eddie clenches the steering wheel. He loves the show, although it might be a little dramatic, but what he doesn't love is constantly seeing Buck on his TV screen. Ever since he can remember, Christopher had been obsessed with Station 118. He loves how the show represents firefighters as heroes like his dad, but it's also the fact that Eddie had never taken down the picture of Buck holding Christopher in his arms. So to Christopher, it was like knowing a celebrity. He just didn't know that that same celebrity was the one that left Eddie five years ago, lost and abandoned.

Christopher only remembers tidbits of Buck, and Christopher doesn't ask questions, but he's dying to know more about him. Of course, he would watch the show with his kid, but it's still painful. The last time he saw Buck, Eddie remembers the exact moment the world pulled the rug from right under him. The way Buck said he was leaving, and Eddie's self-fulfilling prophecy coming true - that he was never enough for anyone to stay. Not Shannon, not Buck. All of it, after five years, his feelings of inadequacies made a home deep in his being. The way he left things with Buck, the zero communication between them because Eddie felt it was too painful to have any semblance of Buck in his life. Christopher didn't know any of that, why should he? To Christopher, Buck was a hero to him back then, and a hero to him now. Eddie had no say and no right to take that away from him.

The first few months after Buck left, he had texted Eddie, and Eddie had refused to reply. Then, the texts stopped coming, and Eddie would never admit it, but when he tucked Christopher in at night, he watched Station 118. Was there a word for a feeling for both loss and happiness? Because that's what it felt like seeing Buck on screen, hearing his voice, missing the way he smells.

They arrive at Carla's Coffeehouse, and Christopher exclaims, "Whoa, that's a lot of people!"

\----

Buck should've guessed that laying low was off the table, but he really needed some coffee, and he wanted to surprise Carla, and then surprise his sister with some treats. It was silly of him to think that a simple baseball cap and a hoodie would make him incognito.

He just wanted some blueberry muffins.

But now, as he's in the coffee shop, swarming with fans asking for pictures and questions about the character he plays, he very much wants to run away. And if that meant leaving a Buck-sized hole in the wall, then that is what he should’ve done.

"Can I please, please have a hug?" A teenage girl says as she's already practically hanging off of his arm.

Buck's overwhelmed, but he hugs her anyway. He smiles as she takes a picture with him. He's a head taller than everyone, and he wonders if he can make to the exit before seeming too rude. He looks at the door and feels all the oxygen leaves the room.

Buck feels like he can't breathe. Eddie's five years older now, he wears his hair shorter than before, but Buck instantly feels his heart throb with excitement as he takes Eddie in. The way his brown eyes ponder the scene, the way his 5 o'clock shadow shapes the lines of his jaw, the way his clothes fit him. He knows in his brain that there's still commotion, but the room goes silent as their eyes finally meet. Buck’s mouth goes dry, the air between them thickens. The five years of distance collapsing in on him, and it’s like nothing has changed. Buck knew that he was in love with Eddie when he left, and he thought he had moved on from him after all these years, but after all this time, Eddie still manages to take the air out of his lungs, steals the attention from every room he enters, pumps adrenaline through every fiber of Buck’s being.

There have been times in Buck's life where the adrenaline in him has made it feel like he was on fire and nothing could stop the embers from immolating his body. One: when he got the call that he got his first acting job, two: when Eddie had embraced him for the first time, three: when he won his first acting award, four: now, in this coffee shop, where the distance between him and Eddie were less than a few feet, and their eyes lock. 

A fire erupts where there was loneliness.

Eddie has a look that Buck can't read, and it feels like forever before Eddie directs Christopher to exit the coffee shop.

Before Buck even knows what’s happening, his feet move on their own volition, "Wait, Eddie! Christopher!"

He's standing in front of Eddie now as Christopher gasps and shouts, "Buck!" Eddie has an unreadable expression on his face, but Buck feels his whole body react to Eddie's gaze on him.

Christopher moves in close to hug him, and Buck can see Eddie almost hesitate and pull Christopher back.

Buck bends down to hug Christopher, "Hey, hey buddy! How've you been?"

"Buck, you got my letters! You came!"

Eddie finally takes his eyes off of Buck and looks down at Christopher in surprise, "What letters?" 

Before Buck can say anything else, the swarm of fans rush outside, and Eddie's eyes widen and in a flurry of movement, he grabs Christopher before he gets hurt.

"Wait, Eddie," Buck pleads, "Can we talk?"

Eddie picks up Christopher, avoiding Buck's eyes, "It looks like you're incredibly busy."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie tries to come to terms with what happened at the coffee shop. He asks Christopher about the letters that he's been sending Buck all these years, and as he reads them, he feels that there's hope.

_A year ago._

_"You think he's going to win?" Chim says next to him as Eddie takes another swig of his beer. Chim had invited Eddie over after a long shift at the station. He couldn't refuse the free food and beer with Christopher being watched by his Abuela all night._

_It's at the expense of watching Buck on the red carpet though. He watches Buck in his maroon suit careen down the red carpet. Seeing him dressed like that, smiling, looking larger than life, his birthmark on full display, it does something funny to Eddie. He’s unsure if people knew he liked both men and women, but he’s always had. He’s just never told anyone, never really bothered, and when Shannon happened, then Christopher being born, and just never having time, did it even matter?_

_He doesn't know when it happened, but the revelation of how he had loved Buck hits him in the stillness of the night sometimes. The pain he felt when Buck left was, in fact, because he loved him, and Eddie didn't know what was worse: not realizing it in time to tell him or realizing that even if he did tell Buck, nothing would've changed. If Eddie knew anything at all, it was that love was not enough to make people stay. That's what he learned with Shannon; he wasn’t enough to make her stay. What made Buck any different?_

_"Earth to Eddie," Chim waves his beer in front of Eddie's face, "did you just discover the answer to the universe or something?"_

_Eddie chuckles, "Sorry, yeah, I think he might win."_

_"You think so?" Chim asks, "You don't think the show's a little dramatic? I mean, the Asian guy got his head railed by a rebar and then the next season he got stabbed multiple times."_

_"Well yeah, it's dramatic, and unrealistic, but it's just so good! Christopher eats it up!"_

_"Guys! It's coming! They’re going to announce the winner!" Maddie corals everyone and they all turn themselves to the TV._

_Eddie’s nervous. Even though they haven’t spoken in years, he still only wants the best for Buck. “And the winner is Evan Buckley for best supporting actor!” The camera pans to Buck in his seat, a look of surprise on his face, and a woman next to him smiling and hugging him. He turns to her and gives her a kiss on the mouth, it’s chaste, but Eddie’s heart still drops as he sees it. It’s not a surprise though, and to much of Eddie’s chagrin, he knows exactly who it is. She plays his love interest in “Station 118”, and rumors have reported that they were dating._

_Okay, the rumors were confirmed by Eddie, of course. Eddie definitely googled “Who is Evan Buckley dating” and “Evan Buckley girlfriend” in his spare time. He knows he shouldn’t, but Eddie is a man who knows he shouldn’t do a lot of things, but still jumps head first into regret._

_He hears Maddie and everyone cheering around him, and he tries his best to smile and applaud as well. He watches Buck approach the podium, and Buck is practically beaming, and it makes Eddie’s heart positively ache. He’s ashamed that he's so invested in the show - not wanting to admit to anyone that he just misses Buck so much. To Eddie, the show is a painful reminder that Buck was once here, close to him, and now, he watches it to hear Buck’s voice again, to see Buck flutter his eyes, to see him smile. He wants Buck to be happy, but he just misses him so much that he regrets not saying anything earlier or reaching out to the other man._

_He hears Buck starting his speech, “I would like to thank everyone here tonight. I would like to thank my fans and all the letters and even the weirdly vivid thirst DMs,” he chuckles and it sends shivers down Eddie’s spine, “I’d also like to thank Abby for dealing with all the times I break out laughing when there’s a romantic scene between us,” the camera pans to her and she smiles warmly at him, “five years ago, I didn’t think any of this would happen. I lived in a small town, and I was lost and had no direction, and practically miserable,” a pang of guilt and anger jolts through Eddie; Buck never told him about how miserable he was, “but now I’m here! A special shout out to my sister, Mads, who has always stuck by me, I hope I made you proud!” He holds the Emmy in the air and walks off, “Thank you again!”_

_Chim goes into hug Maddie, and she’s positively beaming at the TV screen. Eddie wonders if Buck has thought of him after all of these years. Buck’s made a life for him, away from this town, away from Eddie. It’s ridiculous for him to even think that. He reaches for his phone and opens to Buck’s number. He types, “Congratulations, man, I’m so proud of you.” It’s too late, he thinks, it’s too late to tell Buck how he felt, how he possibly feels. It’s too late to tell him how much he misses him. He wouldn’t even know where to begin, and he wouldn’t even know how to disseminate his anger from his longing from his inadequacies._

_He deletes the message and puts his phone back in his pocket._

\---

Well, of all the things he expected to happen today, he did not expect to walk into the coffee shop to see a full-size Buck staring back at him. Could he have handled it better? Absolutely. Would he have done things differently? Probably not. Eddie is a lot of things, and he should add coward to that list.

But God, what was he supposed to do? Buck hadn’t changed; well, he did - physically. The celebrity life suited him. Five years later, and Buck had managed to look as good as Eddie remembered. Even through the sweater, Eddie's eyes grazed over Buck’s muscles, but he didn’t care for that (okay, he cared for it a little). Eddie looked in Buck’s eyes, and it felt like he never left. The way Buck looked at him made Eddie longed for something he never had; he wanted to reach out to touch the angle of Buck’s jaw, to kiss the birthmark on Buck’s eyebrow that he’s grown so fond of. He almost hisses at the thought.

Was there even anything to say between them? What was Eddie suppose to do? What did Buck even want to talk about? He’s moved on, right? _Hey, I was your best friend that didn’t talk to you for five years, but I think I might be in love with you?_ Eddie scoffs at himself for that ridiculous train of thought.

“Why don’t you watch TV, buddy?” Eddie says as he opens the door to his house. He feels the urge to call Maddie for some kind of explanation, “I’ll start on dinner.”

Christopher quietly acquiesces. He doesn’t push his dad nor asks questions; Eddie still wants to know what those letters were about. He figures he’ll ask during dinner. Right now though, he just wants answers, not sure for what, but he needs to talk to another adult.

He enters the kitchen and calls Maddie. She picks up by the second ring.

“Hey, Maddie,” Eddie says reluctantly. Ever since Buck left, they’ve talked less, she tries to avoid any topic of Buck in his presence, but he can clearly see that she cares for him. When his Abuela wasn’t available, and Bobby was busy with his restaurant, Maddie and Chim have even volunteered to watch Christopher a few times.

“Eddie,” Maddie starts, “I should’ve told you he was coming. Actually, I didn’t even know he was going to stop by the coffee shop, I told him that he should’ve come straight home, but you know my brother,” she pauses, “he’s a hard-headed little shit.”

“I,” Eddie starts, but he doesn’t even know what to say. Why did he even call? Buck had a right to come home to see his sister, to visit his hometown. What did he even want from this phone call? An explanation? 

“I guess he told you he saw me.”

“Yeah,” Maddie admits, “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two,” Eddie’s unsure if Maddie means at the coffee shop or the five years of absence in each other’s lives, “You’re still invited to Christmas, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to come.”

Eddie hesitates. He’s a grown man; he can be civil at a Christmas party, and that’s all that Christopher has been talking about for the last few days, “No, of course, I’ll come. Christopher’s been talking about it nonstop.”

“Okay,” Eddie hears the doorbell ring on the other end, “That must be him, I’ll let you go and catch up.”

“Eddie,” Maddie says softly.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll talk to you soon.” And he hangs up before Maddie can say anything else. What did he want from that phone call? What did he want Maddie to do? Would a warning had helped? Nothing could’ve saved him from the way Buck looked, and from the way Buck looked at him. And Maddie couldn’t have known the way Eddie’s heart felt when he laid his eyes on Buck in real-time after so long.

He wanted to reach out and embrace him like so many times before. He wanted to rest his chin on Buck’s shoulder like he always did in their past. He craved and desperately needed contact - any kind, and he knew he only wanted it from Buck. 

When he finally sits Christopher down for dinner, there’s a silence between them. A silence that he knows Christopher doesn’t want to break.

“So,” Eddie finally manages. He can see Christopher tense up, “Hey, I’m not mad,” Eddie softens as he looks at his son, “I’m just curious. When you said Buck got your letters, what did you mean?”

It’s painful to even say Buck’s name out loud. He realizes that he hasn't needed to say it in so long. It was as if he had forgotten how to say it, but now that he did, he wants to say it over and over again. 

Christopher looks at his food and hangs his head in shame. Eddie wants to tell Christopher that he has nothing to be ashamed of, but he lets Christopher talk, “I asked Carla if I could write to him,” he finally says, “and she helped me mail them to him.”

“What?” Eddie can’t help not masking the shock in his voice, “How long has this been going on?” _Did he reply back? Did you write about me?_ He has so many more questions, but he settles for that one.

“A while,” Christopher sounds like he’s about to cry, “Are you mad at me, daddy?”

“Buddy,” Eddie cannot bear to see his son like this, “I’m not mad, Chris, look at me, I’m not mad. I just don’t understand why you would keep this from me.” Christopher pauses and then he gets up and goes to his room, “Christopher, hey, I’m not mad, where are you going?”

He follows Christopher to his room, and he sees Christopher reach for the box in his nightstand. His heart aches a little to see the photo of Buck holding Christopher standing atop of it. Eddie remembers when Christopher had asked for that box too. He’d wondered why Christopher would ask for something with a lock on it, but he also wanted to respect his son’s privacy.

Eddie sits next to Christopher on his bed as he gets a key and unlocks the box. Eddie’s eyes widen as he sees dozens of letters folded in it - all in Buck’s handwriting. Even after all these years, he can instantly recognize that writing anywhere. Eddie doesn’t know why, but he feels tears forming behind his eyes and tries his best not to cry. His heart is hammering in his chest when Christopher puts the box in his lap.

“You can read them, daddy,” Christopher says softly, “I’m sorry for keeping this from you.”

Eddie wraps one arm around his son and kisses him gently, “It’s alright, you have nothing to be sorry about, buddy.”

They finish their nightly routine of dinner, a little bit of TV, and some reading, and as Eddie tucks Christopher into bed, his son apologizes to him one last time. Eddie reassures his son that he’s the one that’s sorry for making Christopher feel like he’s mad.

He retires to his bed with the box of letters and starts reading them one by one.

_Dear Christopher,_

_Of course I remember you! I’m so excited to hear from you. I cannot believe you can form sentences now and write letters. I am so proud of you. How has everything been? I’ve missed you so much. I think about you a lot and I wish I can see you again soon. Thank you for your kind words and that wonderful drawing that you gave me as a firefighter. We all know they are true heroes like your dad. By the way, how is he doing? I hope he’s doing well and taking care of himself. I’m going to give you my actual address so that you can send me direct mail, okay? Hope to hear from you soon._

_Yours,_  
_Buck_

_Dear Christopher,_

_I’m so glad you liked the last episode! It was really difficult filming the scene where my leg got stuck underneath a truck, but I tried to channel as much pain as I could, and I’m glad it came through. :) By the way, does your dad know that you’re writing to me? I’m so excited that you’re doing well in school, although that’s no surprise to me. You got your brains from your dad! He’s a very smart man. I hope this letter finds you well, and I hope to hear from you soon, buddy. I love getting these from you._

_Yours,_  
_Buck_

_Dear Christopher,_

_I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve replied. Work has been super busy, but I always have time for you! I’m sorry that you and your dad got into a fight. I think he might be just stressed from what you told me about him working at the fire station and the coffee shop. Why do you think he’s doing two jobs? Don’t hesitate to ask if you both need anything, okay? Also, I hope you told your dad about these letters. I think he would want to know._

_Yours,_  
_Buck_

There are several more letters that go on about nothing, and there’s enough letters dating back two years. His son has been in contact with Buck for two years, and Buck has written back all those times. Hope blooms in Eddie’s chest. Maybe Buck didn’t forget about him. Perhaps there was a chance that they could go back to what they once were - to being Buck & Eddie again. Eddie tries his best to shake away the thought as best as he could.

The distance between them feels like a chasm Eddie can’t traverse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are exceptionally welcomed. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chim and Maddie are nosy. Buck tries to hide behind a Christmas tree. Eddie and Buck have an awkward, but nice dinner date at Bobby's diner. Buck does something before thinking about the consequences.

_Hi Buck,_

_Do you remember me? I’m Christopher Diaz. I have a picture with you next to my bed. I am a big fan of you. It’s weird how my dad is a firefighter, and you play a firefighter on tv. I watch your show with him a lot. I hope you remember me. Here’s a drawing of us._

_Christopher_

“Get up,” Maddie hurls the blankets off of Buck just as he gives a definitive groan as the cold air hits him all at once, “No pity party today. It’s time for Buckley Bonding!”

He groans even louder, “It’s supposed to be my vacation,” the sleep still in his eyes as he sees his sister looking fondly down on him holding a very festive Christmas mug.

“You have 15 minutes to get ready or I’m coming back with cold water,” Maddie states walking away - not allowing him any time to protest.

“Wait!” Buck screams after her, “Are we going out?”

“We’re going Christmas tree shopping!” Great. He whines and gets out of bed and tries his best to look for a disguise. 

He's immediately greeted by Chim and his sister in the kitchen as he walks down the stairs. 

“Buckaroo!” Chim smiles as he comes in for a hug, “Is it too early to ask about your run-in with Eddie?” 

Buck gives Maddie a look, and Maddie raises her hands, “It wasn’t me! I mean, it would’ve been me.”

“No, I heard it from Eddie. You know, small town and all.”

“He talked about me?” Maddie visibly snorts in her drink as Chim’s face breaks into a shit-eating grin.

“Five years and nothing’s changed, huh?” Chim puts on his jacket and grabs Maddie’s hand and starts walking towards the door.

“What does that mean?” Buck says as he follows them. Maddie whispers something in Chim’s ear, and it has him breaking out into a hearty laugh, “Wait! What does that mean? Wait for me, guys!”

As they step into the tree lot, Buck begins to really appreciate and miss this place. The town has been blanketed by a soft layer of snow - something he would never see in LA. Being back here doesn’t seem so bad, he thinks, but then he’s reminded exactly why he left. He remembers and feels a pang of guilt for leaving Eddie even though leaving felt like the right thing to do. He needed to leave in order to stop being so miserable, to create some distance between him and his source of loneliness, was that so wrong? Was Buck selfish for leaving? Was it for the better that he left? 

Buck steps out of the car. He covers his mouth with his scarf and readjusts his bomber hat so that only his eyes are visible. He doesn’t want what happened at the coffee shop to happen here.

“Is that really necessary, Buck?” Maddie looks up at him in exasperation.

“Your brother’s an icon, Mads,” the words are muffled behind his scarf, “You’re in the presence of an Emmy award winner, a hot throb, and -”

“An idiot,” Maddie finishes as she playfully punches him on the shoulder. Buck doesn’t mind the third-wheeling. In fact, he quite enjoys being a few steps behind Maddie and Chim, seeing them hold hands, and bickering over which tree is best suited for their house. He likes the familiarity of them, and his heart warms at the fact that his sister has found someone as kind and gentle as Chim.

She deserves it after all this time. She deserves a love worthy of her after two distant parents and an abusive husband. Buck can’t help but be proud and happy for his sister.

“What do you think of this one, Buck?” Maddie asks - pointing to a tree that looks about the same as all the other ones. Chim has an axe ready to chop it down by her side. Buck is just about to agree when he sees Eddie and Christopher trod by. He gasps and ducks behind the tree even though he’s a few inches taller than it. 

“Buck?” Maddie turns around to see what scared her brother.

She groans and rolls her eyes, “Ugh, you two are literally grown men.”

Buck shushes her.

“Eddie!” Maddie gestures and exclaims just as Buck hisses, “What are you doing?”

Buck hears Christopher excitedly laugh as Chim picks him up for a hug. Buck is squirming and still effectively, no, ineffectively hiding behind a tree standing as still as possible.

He hears Chim say to Christopher, “What do you say you, Maddie, and I get some hot chocolate, and your dad can help us chop down that tree?” Buck’s eyes plead and beg as both Chim and his sister walk away from the scenario. Both of them shaking their heads and feigning frustration.

“Buck?” Eddie inquires as he looks at him with a softness that wasn’t there before, “What are you doing?”

“He-hey, Eddie,” Buck steps out and pulls his scarf down from his mouth, “Listen.” 

Eddie shakes his head, and Buck is almost afraid at what’s going to come out of his mouth, “No, Buck, I, uh, I want to apologize for yesterday.”

“You do?” Buck inquires. He can’t help but breathe out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding in all this time. All these years and Eddie still manages to make Buck a complete blubbering idiot. He can’t help but admire the way Eddie looks in front of him now. His hair shorter. The years definitely showing in the crinkle of his eyes, but he's still as in shape as ever. He's still the same Eddie that Buck has grown fond of. The way Eddie looks in his red flannel and the way his jean jacket squares off his shoulders makes Buck want to touch him. He wants to remember what Eddie smells like, what his hair feels like as he runs his fingers through them.

“Yeah,” Eddie manages.

Buck shakes his head, “No, you don’t have to apologize for anything,” Buck starts as Eddie makes a noise of disagreement. Buck didn’t deserve this kindness from Eddie; he was the one that left when he knew how much Eddie needed him. He was the one who wanted more from his best friend. He wanted to start over, to tell Eddie that he had five years to make up and that he’s sorry for all that lost time. He’s sorry that he didn’t continue to reach out to Eddie even though Eddie didn’t reply. Buck knew it must’ve hurt Eddie for his best friend to leave, but he couldn’t begin to express how much he had loved Eddie. Buck was so afraid that that love would ruin their relationship, and that’s why he ran.

But all Buck could do was stand there, the awkwardness between them spanning five years, “What do you say we catch up later? Dinner? I’m sure my Abuela or those two nosy lovebirds over there won’t mind watching Christopher later.”

“Yes.” Buck says too quickly. He takes a quick look at the hot chocolate shack where he immediately sees Chim, Maddie, and Christopher look away from them.

“Okay, I’ll see you at Bobby’s Diner at five.” Eddie smiles, and Buck tries his best not to cry. The smile is the last straw for him. In that moment, all Buck wanted to do was reach out and hug the other man, to tell him that he didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve this kindness from Eddie, but he was willing to do anything to put a smile on his face.

They pick out a tree. Maddie and Chim don’t ask any questions about his interaction with Eddie even though they’re probably dying to know.

\----

Buck’s nervous. He’s so nervous that he arrives at the diner 30 minutes early after telling his sister he needed her car. She smiles coyly and gives him a hug - not saying another word. The restaurant is just how it looked five years ago. He always knew Bobby could do more than this diner, but he also knew how much love and time was invested in it. People stopped by on their way to bigger cities and towns just to eat at Bobby’s Diner, and for a long time, this diner was his second home. The way Bobby and Athena took him in, gave him a job, and completely understood when he left. He managed to send home a signed picture of himself with Bobby, and as he enters, he sees that same picture framed behind the host’s podium.

He immediately sees Bobby’s face light up behind the kitchen as he hears his familiar voice shout, “Buck!” 

He comes in to hug the older man, “We’ll catch up later, Eddie’s waiting for you already.”

Bobby points him down the way as he sees Eddie intently analyzing the menu in front of him.

Buck sits down in front of him, and Eddie looks up from his menu. He smiles again at Buck, and Buck promises himself to do anything in his power to make Eddie smile at him like that over and over again, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Buck states shyly. This shouldn’t feel like this. He didn’t know what he was expecting. He surely didn’t expect it to fall back into place after five years, but this awkwardness between them shouldn’t exist. They were Buck and Eddie for so long. They knew everything about each other - how to make each other laugh, what made the other tick. He doubles down on his feelings that this would’ve never happened if he didn’t leave.

“So,” Eddie begins just as Buck interjects with, “Well.”

Eddie laughs, “This is awkward.” Buck would set himself on fire for that laugh.

Buck also chuckles and admonishes, “I know.”

“Why don’t we start with,” Eddie begins, “What's it like to work with that many famous people?”

Buck can feel his cheeks getting rosy, “Well, it was overwhelming at first. I, I was from a small town, you know? But then they treated me like family. It took some getting used to, but everyone was just so welcoming. I wanted to -” he pauses. He wants to tell Eddie that he wanted to text him all the time. He doesn’t know which topic to not bring up and which topic to broach. He wants to ask Eddie why he never texted back, but he shelves that for later.

His thoughts get interrupted by another question from Eddie.

“And what about Abby?” Buck notices something weird in Eddie’s voice, and he almost chokes at the mention of her name.

“Uhh,” Buck hesitates. He shifts in his seat.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Eddie softens.

“No, I, uhh,” Buck touches the back of his head, “You can’t tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.” Buck leans in - completely serious.

Eddie nods.

“It’s fake,” Buck says. This would’ve never happened five years ago. Five years ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated to tell Eddie anything. If Eddie asked him to bear his soul, he would’ve. He wants to apologize to Eddie for that too - for this distance between them, but he doesn’t know how. He knows his thoughts are a broken record - stuck on wanting to apology to the other man and hugging him.

Eddie’s eyes widen, “What do you mean it’s fake?”

“You see, it’s kinda funny,” Buck starts, “Hen, my agent, brought it up one day. We were having drinks with Abby, and Hen goes, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if you two started dating? It’ll stir up some press.’ We both laughed it off at first, and then the paps snapped a picture of us together, and I got thousands of followers afterward, and I’m pretty sure that’s how my contract got renewed.” He looks at Eddie in earnest, and Eddie seems to relax a little bit more. This is all Buck wants - to go back to what they once were, “This is all pretty boring, huh? Tell me about you.” 

Eddie shakes his head in disagreement, “Buck, I asked because I wanted to know.” The look Eddie gives him sends him back to a time where there was a softness between them. It makes Buck’s fingers tingle as he smiles up at Eddie. It was that softness that quelled the loneliness inside of him.

“Yeah, but I want to know about you,” Buck pushes, “Christopher seems well adjusted.” On one hand, he really does want to know about the two of them because for a long time, Christopher was the sun, and Eddie and Buck were two planets orbiting this bright spot out of necessity and want. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to broach the topic of his loneliness. He doesn’t want to tell Eddie about how everyone he’s met he’s measured up to Eddie, and they've all failed in comparison. He doesn’t want to tell the other man about how he has checked in on Eddie’s instagram all these years, and how much he misses his laugh.

“You should know,” Eddie says straightforwardly, “You’ve been writing him letters.”

“Yeah,” Buck tenses and admits, “I, I don’t know what I was thinking. I should’ve told you. I just, I didn’t think you would want to hear from me.”

Eddie’s eyes read as if there's a sort of delicateness behind them as he looks at him, “No, actually, I wanted to thank you. I read the letters, Buck, you know he's always looked up to you.” The statement wasn’t supposed to make Buck feel guilty, but it does. It sits uncomfortably at the bottom of Buck’s stomach, “Hey. I’m sorry for avoiding you.”

“What?” Buck shakes his head, “No. It’s not your fault. I was the one that left.” He wants to tell Eddie that it is partly his fault. Buck tried. He sent all those texts, but after a while, it seemed like Eddie wanted nothing to do with him, and it hurt. A lot. It was painful to open up his phone to see the messages that he sent to Eddie were constantly unanswered. But he had figured it was for the best for both of them. He'd imagined if it was painful for him, it must've been agonizing for Eddie, and he didn't want that on his conscience.

“Yeah,” Eddie adds, “But I didn’t make it easy on you. I didn’t reply. I, I didn’t know how.” Buck knows that Eddie is not the type to share or admit his feelings, and he knows this must’ve taken a lot of courage to do. That’s why they worked out well together; Eddie would always keep things in, and Buck would take the time to pry them out of him. 

“It’s fine, Eddie,” Buck states, “Those letters, they kept me going. They -” How does Buck approach this? How does Buck tell Eddie that those letters made it seem like Buck still had something to return to. He wanted to tell Eddie everything, but the loneliness that inhabited itself within him lodged in his throat. He felt so much joy whenever he received Christopher’s letters. It made him feel like he was part of Eddie’s life again, “They were nice.” 

“Yeah?” Eddie admits, “You know, he never told me.”

Buck is about to apologize again, but Eddie stops him, “All this time, I didn’t know he was writing these letters to you, and you, you wrote back. I’m so grateful. He's grown so much, Buck, he's so smart,” the way that Eddie says his name does weird things to Buck’s heart. The way he talks about his son almost makes Buck want to get up and hug him right there on the spot, “That’s why I want to give him everything I didn’t have.”

Buck wants to affirm that he has. He knows how much Christopher loves Eddie. Buck wants to tell the other man that he was the one that stayed. Shannon left. She made a large size hole in Christopher and Eddie's life, and Eddie was the hero that tried his best to fill in the cracks of an absent mother. Christopher is the person he is today because of Eddie's presence. It was because of him that Christopher was so well-adjusted, so smart, but it was no longer his place to say these things to the other man. So Buck just nods.

“That’s why I’m working my ass off,” Eddie admits, “You know I’m a coffee barista now?”

“Yeah?”

Eddie chuckles, “I mean, I kinda have to make a mean cup of coffee after my 24-hour shifts at the fire station, but I’ll do anything for that kid, Buck. I’ve been saving up.”

Buck doesn’t want to say anything in this moment. He feels something shift between them. It’s almost as if he’s staring at Eddie five years ago, in their house, sharing dinner, admitting to each other their fears and their wants. This moment is too delicate that he's afraid if he even moves an inch, it'll snap.

“I almost have enough money to send him to HMS, you know, that school that is specifically designed for kids with special needs, but also have accelerated programs? They'll know how to push him but also cater to his needs. I’m almost there.” 

He sees Eddie lean back, almost scared that he’s shared too much. Eddie hasn’t changed. He’s always been prideful. He’s never asked for anything from anyone, even Buck, except their company. Buck was willing to spill all of him into this relationship. That wasn’t fair, Buck admits to himself, to either parties, to spill everything in front of Eddie - someone that would’ve never shared the same feelings. 

He doesn’t know how to say all of this so all he says is, “I’m so proud of you, Eddie.” He sees a twinge of blush on Eddie’s cheeks.

“Stop,” Eddie admonishes, “You’re the one who became famous. Emmy-awarding, in fact! Christopher can’t stop telling his friends that he knows someone famous.” 

For some reason that makes Buck’s heart swell. He feels his cheeks getting rosy. To think after all this time, he was still remembered by two of the people he cared about the most. Buck realizes that even though he made a name for himself, it was Eddie who found himself, who didn’t run away from his problems and stood there firmly as the years went by.

“Hey, what are you doing tomorrow morning? I have a shift later that day, but Christopher would love to see you. I kinda ruined your reunion with him the other day, and I -”

“Oh,” Buck feels himself still blushing, “I - I mean, if that’s okay.”

“Buck, we’re way past being shy with each other.”

Buck almost sighs a relief, “Yeah? I would love to. I enjoyed tonight,” Buck admits, and he really did. The distance between them feels like it’s closing. Sure, there was awkwardness and kinks between them, but this feels like a step in the right direction. It feels right. There were no longer chasms between them, and they were finally orbiting the same plane again.

“Hey boys, we’re closing up for tonight.” Bobby says as he approaches, “Dinner’s on me. It’s nice to see you two talking again.” Bobby’s voice has always been a leveled tone, but there’s something in it this time that makes Buck’s heart lurch with fondness of him and of this place.

“Yeah,” Eddie looks at the time, “I enjoyed myself too, but I gotta pick up Christopher,” Eddie says as he stands up. He doesn’t know what leads him to do it, but Buck stands up too and he leans in to hug Eddie. He doesn't know why he does it. For so long, he's been touch starved. Not just for any touch, but for Eddie's touch. It drove him crazy that they were so far apart for so long. Whenever they were together back then, Buck and Eddie would always sit too close, stand so their shoulders would touch, they would naturally gravitate to each other. He realizes that he needs to feel Eddie close to him again. Feel the warmth of Eddie's arms wrapped around him. Eddie tenses for a moment, but then Buck can feel Eddie relax to his touch. The smell of Eddie enraptures him, leaves him desperately wanting to never let go. His feelings for Eddie, which he was a fool for thinking they’d be long gone, spread throughout every fiber of his being. Loneliness was all he felt for a long time, and now, here in Eddie’s arms, loneliness was a mere word in his vocabulary.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Buck, I’ll call you.” 

Buck never gave Eddie his number to Eddie again. He keeps this mental note that Eddie’s kept his number all this time close to his heart.

He decides to make a very important phone call tomorrow before seeing Eddie and Christopher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving! Just a little fluff before I emotionally dump angst and anger on you in the next few chapters. As always, kudos and comments are my literal fuel and encouragement to keep going. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My own rendition of Season 2's Elf situation with more pangs of want and longing on Eddie's part.
> 
> Eddie gets good news, but then realizes what it means with a little nudging from Chim.

_Buck knocks on the door, his fingers tingling with excitement and nervousness. He needs to tell his best friend about the good news.  
  
_ _“Hey Buck,” Eddie looks a little frazzled as he opens the door, but there's a softness in the way he looks at Buck that goes straight to his heart. Buck couldn't help but notice the bags under the other man's eyes.  
  
_ _Before he makes any assumptions, Eddie steps to the side to let him in, “Could you help me with something real quick? Christopher’s having a bad morning, and I think I burnt the eggs. I didn’t know you could burn eggs.”  
  
_ Eddie chuckles as he scratches the back of his head.  
  
Buck walks into the kitchen and turns off the stove, “No worries, but we need to talk.” 

_“Sure,” Buck can hear Eddie walk off to Christopher’s room, “I’ll be right back, thank you, thank you.”_

_How should he bring this up? What should he say? Buck busies himself with making breakfast for Eddie and Christopher. It’s been like this for a while, he stops by before his shift, and he helps Eddie as best as he can. He doesn’t even touch on the subject if Eddie’s alright. Eddie tells him, in the quiet of the night, when he’s fatigued and exhausted from his shifts at the firestation and taking care of Christopher, tiredness loosening his lips, about how wrecked he is that Shannon left, how damaged everything is._

_Buck was selfish. He thought that after Shannon had left that there would be a chance between him and Eddie. But days of seeing Eddie grieve when Shannon dropped off the divorce papers turned into months turned into two years, and nothing had happened. Buck never blamed Eddie though, and he never asks for anything. He knows that Eddie was a single dad focused on raising a child with CP, but for almost every hospital visit, for almost every meltdown, Buck was there._

_Not only because he loved Eddie, but because he grew to love Christopher as well._

_The longing for Eddie sat in his stomach on some days, but on most others, it was an overflowing dam that threatened to drown him at any single moment. His love for Eddie started in the small smiles that he gave him, and it grew every time Eddie looked at him with affection, every time Eddie told Buck how much he was grateful for him, every time Eddie embraced him._

_He didn’t know exactly when it happened, but all he knew was Eddie’s head fit nicely on his shoulder after a long night of teasing, bantering, and watching TV. He was desperate to feel Eddie's touch every single day of his life. He craved for any sort of contact, a touch on the shoulder, an embrace where he can smell the lavender and pine trees of Eddie’s scent, and he desired for more. Buck knew that that made him selfish - wanting and desiring his best friend when he obviously didn’t feel the same._

_He couldn’t bear it anymore - to be so close to someone yet so far away._

_“Sorry about that,” Eddie says as he holds Christopher in his arms, “You didn’t have to do that.” After all this time, Eddie was still reluctant in having Buck help._

_“I want to,” Buck says softly._

_“Okay, kiddo,” Eddie drops Christopher off in the living room in front of a set of legos. He turns to Buck and smiles, “You wanted to talk to me about something?”_

_“Ye-yeah,” Buck says, arranging the eggs and toast on a plate, “Can we talk in private?”_

_Eddie raises an eyebrow in concern._

_Eddie gives Christopher a kiss on the top of his head, “We’ll be down the hall, okay, Buddy?” Eddie leads him to the hallway._

_He turns to Buck, “You’re starting to worry me, Buck, what’s up?”_

_“You know how,” Buck starts out, “You helped me with running those lines a while back?”_

_Eddie nods._

_“And how it was a long shot when I submitted that audition tape to that fire station show, and you know how, Hen, my agent, told me that it would be pretty difficult to land a role such a big show and even though she believed in me, she didn’t want me to get my hopes up?”_

_“Buck,” Eddie laughs, “Spit it out.”_

_“Well,” he hesitates, “I got the part. It’s not set in stone yet, they still want me to to do a live audition with a scene partner, but Hen says she’s got a good feeling about this.”_

_Eddie beams, “What? No way! I’m so happy for you!” Eddie embraces Buck, and Buck positively sags into the other man. It’s this; it’s this reason why he doesn’t want to leave. He feels himself sigh as his arms wrap around Eddie._

_Buck almost whines as Eddie pulls away from him, “This is good news! Chris'll want to hear this!”_

_“I fly out in three days.”_

_“Oh,” the realization suddenly hitting Eddie, “Oh. When will you be back?”_

_Buck hesitates, “A year, maybe? Longer? I don’t know how long shooting'll take.”_

_He sees Eddie avoids his eyes, and it takes all of his control to not step forward and touch Eddie, “Eddie, I’ll come back, it’s only a guest stint, and who knows if I’ll get the part. It’s such a great opportunity, and you know how much I hate working for Bobby and Athena even though I’m so grateful for them. There’s nothing for me here.”_

_Eddie makes a face that Buck can’t decipher. Just as Buck wants to ramble more, the other man shakes his head, “Buck,” he clasps a hand on Buck’s shoulder in affirmation._

_“I understand, Buck. There’s nothing for you here.”_

_Buck wants to protest, wants Eddie to tell him that he's wrong._

_“You’re here.” He wants to scream, “If you told me to stay, Eddie, I’ll stay. I’ll do it, just tell me, just tell me you love me.” But all he could do is nod and smile._

\----

Eddie sits next to Buck as Christopher lines up to see Santa. The bench they’re sitting on is decorated with fake laurels and some kind of pine. Buck sits there cozy with his hands in his pockets, his scarf covering his face and his bomber hat pulled down. Eddie made a comment about it, and Christopher laughed about it on the ride there, but he does appreciate Buck for trying his best to remain incognito when around Christopher. 

Eddie doesn’t admit it often, but he loves this time of year. The way his town is blanketed with a soft sheen of snow, and how every lamp post is covered in Christmas decorations. He even likes the way Buck looks - warm and cozy enough to lean into (if that was a thing he would want to do, of course). He shakes that thought out of his head immediately. He soaks in the moment as he doesn’t know how long he has left until Christopher no longer believes in the magic of Santa Claus or Christmas.

He tries his best to avoid looking at the other man, but he can imagine how pink Buck’s lips are underneath his scarf. He wants nothing more than to scoot closer to Buck on that bench as he hears him chuckle as Christopher waves to them. Eddie is a lot of things, and he can add being an idiot to the top of the list. Here was Buck trying his best to rekindle their friendship, with his earnestness and openness, and all Eddie wants to do is jump the man.

Okay, so he hasn’t even thought about sex in so long. How could he? He’s been incredibly busy, and you know what reduces sex drive for Eddie? Stress. It’s been so long since he’s been intimate with anyone that he’s pretty sure he’s just starved for touch and intimacy. Look, he’s taking his son out with his former best friend, and all he could think about was how good Buck looks next to him, the way his legs stretch out in front of him like some sort of sexy giraffe.

“Eddie,” Buck says, “You’re doing that thing again.”

After all these years, Buck knows him. One of the only people that knows he gets lost in his thoughts, and it’s hard for him to be pulled out of them. Buck’s voice carries him back to reality, and he wants to tell Buck he’s sorely missed that.

“What do you think he’s asking for?” 

Honestly, Eddie wishes he knew. It’s always difficult to buy gifts for Christopher not only because money has always been tight, but Christopher doesn’t really ask for much.

“I know it’s not my place to say this,” Buck starts, “But you did good for yourself.”

“Stop,” Eddie doesn’t deserve this. Buck doesn’t know what has happened the last five years. There were days when Eddie couldn’t breathe, and he was short with Christopher. There were meltdowns, and there were even days when Eddie wanted to leave. How horrible was that? He had thoughts about leaving his son. He didn’t deserve anyone’s kind words - especially Buck’s, who always saw the good in him, who never looked at him with any pity.

They see Christopher finishing up, and they both approach the elf that walks him back down. Eddie picks up Christopher just in time to hear the elf say to them both, “You two have an adorable son!”

Eddie stammers as Christopher giggles in his ear. Eddie blushes at the comment, and he doesn’t want to make Buck uncomfortable, and he’s just about to protest when he hears Buck chuckle next to him, “Thank you.”

They both walk away laughing at each other. It feels easy. To fall back into step with Buck. Eddie felt his heart fill to the brim with happiness walking next to two of his favorite people - a confession he doesn’t want to give up yet. He wants to tell Buck this - that he wished Buck would’ve stayed all those years, but it wasn’t his place then. 

He wants to confess to the other man that he realized he had feelings for him. He might still have feelings for him, and it took him five years to come to terms with falling in love with his best friend.

He decides to table his thoughts for another time. They were just rekindling their friendship, and Buck was only here temporarily. It wasn’t his place back then to tell him to stay, and it sure isn’t his place now to tell him anything about his feelings.

There’s a lot of commotion around them right now, but in this moment, he can only see how Buck smiles down at Christopher, telling him something about acting. He sees Christopher’s easy smile at Buck, and how Buck genuinely listens to one of Christopher’s story about his friends.

“What did you wish for?” He finally says to Christopher, almost regretting breaking the conversation between the two.

“Secret,” is all that comes out of Christopher’s mouth after he giggles.

“You know, buddy,” Buck starts, “If you tell me, it doesn’t break any rules. The rule only applies to parents.”

“Okay, Bucky,” Christopher says as he gestures Buckie to get close to him. 

“Hey, you’re supposed to be on my side!” Eddie pouts. Buck shushes him playfully.

Eddie takes in what’s in front of him. The way Buck looks in his jean jacket lined with fur. The way he concentrates intently on what Christopher is saying. His feelings of inadequacy melt away. Maybe he, alone, wasn’t enough for Christopher, but if Buck was there by his side, maybe, just maybe, they would be enough.

What Christopher says does something funny to Buck’s face, but he catches himself as he sees Eddie look at him, “That’s a great wish, Chris,” Eddie thinks he hears Buck’s voice crack, and it makes him even more curious, “I hope you get it.”

“Me too,” Christopher sighs.

When they drop Buck home before Eddie’s shift, Christopher insists that he needs to get out of the car to give Buck a hug. Eddie relents and he gets out of the car as well.

“I -” Buck starts out as Eddie starts talking too.

“No, you first,” Eddie insists.

“I had a great time,” Buck admits.

“Yeah?” Eddie feels his neck getting hot, “Me too, Buck.” _I’ve missed you_ , he wants to say, but it doesn’t get past his lips.

“I’ve missed this,” Buck tells him. Buck was always the braver of the two. He’s always admired how the other man could be so upfront about his emotions. Eddie was always told to hold down his emotions, to store it away somewhere so that it doesn’t cause a commotion or a disturbance. Buck, though, the way he’s so frank and open about his emotions, the way his face just opens to any emotion and the way his blue eyes connote them, it makes Eddie’s heart do a somersault in his chest.

“I’ll see you at Christmas party?” It’s too much, and Eddie needs to do something with his emotions, with his hands, so he helps Christopher get back in the car. What he really wants to do is to close the distance between them again, to feel Buck wrap his arms around him, but he doesn’t want more than what Buck has given him.

“Yeah,” Buck hesitates, still looking at him, “Yeah, I’ll see you then. Have a good shift, Eddie.”

\----

Eddie can’t help but smile at how last night and this morning went as he drives to his Abuela’s house. Maybe, just maybe, after all these years, Buck and Eddie can become Buck and Eddie again. It was as if, Buck, hot to the touch (and hot to look at), could still spark something in him after so long. It was impossible, Eddie thought that after five years, Buck would still be the only one that he felt comfortable with. Talking to Buck silenced this noise in his head - no longer did the words "inadequate" or "not enough" ricochet in his head when Buck was around. 

To hear that Buck was proud of him, to tell him that he did good for himself, to be still so comfortable with Christopher, it was as if everything fell into place for Eddie. The white noise that constantly told Eddie that he wasn’t enough was diminished. Buck had this thing where he looked at Eddie in admiration and not pity. Eddie hated the way other people looked at him and his son. Every time they walked down the street, people looked at both of them with pity in their eyes - as if they felt <i> _sorry </i> _ for them. They made snap judgments about how his son was a burden to him, but that wasn’t the case. 

Christopher was everything to Eddie; he smiles through every challenge, and his never ending optimism was something he definitely didn’t get from his father. Buck was one of the only people who never looked at Eddie or Christopher as a charity case. He treated Christopher no differently, but understood the challenges and limitations of his son. It took him a long time to trust Buck back then, but Buck constantly showed up with his heart of gold, not asking for anything, but to spend time with the small life Eddie had made for him and his son.

Sitting in front of Buck in Bobby’s restaurant made Eddie realize that he had made it. Without Buck. But as Buck leaned in to hear Christopher’s wish, it confirmed that Buck was something he wanted in his life. 

When he arrives at his Abuela’s house, his Abuela automatically notices the shift in his mood, “¿Qué pasó? What’s got you in a good mood this morning?”

“We saw Buck today!” Christopher exclaims as he walks into his great-grandmother’s house as if it were his own. His Abuela gives him a knowing look, and Eddie finally realizes that he still has a wide smile plastered on his face as he sits down for breakfast.

“You saw Buck?” His Abuela inquires. He knows that this first question will be the start of a long line of questions that he’s not sure he wants to answer.

“Yeah,” he hesitates, “for dinner.”

“And we saw Santa together!” Christopher adds.

His Abuela quirks one of her eyebrows, and he just shakes his head. He tells her everything, well, not the fact that he was pretty sure he was still in love with Buck - that was a secret he kept to himself. But his Abuela knew how much her grandson depended on the other man. It wasn’t as if he thinks his Abuela was homophobic, he just never knew how to broach the topic. Not to her, not to anyone. Was it even a topic to broach now that Buck was just here temporarily? 

“Oh?” He can feel the gears in his Abuela’s head shifting - ready to fire ten more questions at him. Instead, she just eats her breakfast in quiet. What could he say to his Abuela? That he was in love with his best friend, and he only realized it after he had left? What good is his love if Buck was going to leave after the holidays anyway? He knows he still has feelings for Buck, but he’s not even sure he loves Buck. Can you still love a person after five years of them being MIA from your life? 

Eddie’s phone rings, and it knocks him out of his reverie. It’s from a number he doesn’t know, and he excuses himself from the table.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Edmundo Diaz?” It’s a woman’s voice. Someone he doesn’t recognize, and he almost hangs up thinking it’s another telemarketer, “I’m sorry for calling you during the holidays, but I’m with HMS School.”

That’s odd. He hasn’t contacted them in a while. Not that he was ashamed, but he didn’t want to call them until he knew he had enough money to pay for the tuition.

“Yes, this is him,” Eddie says, “I don’t have the money yet though.”

“That’s not why I’m calling,” she hums over the phone, “Someone made a generous donation to the school this morning.”

He didn’t want to get his hopes up. He knew that there were scholarships for the school, and he’s looked at the five essays and three letters of recommendation application for the scholarship, but he’s never submitted it. He’s never had time. And it almost felt like charity to him.

“I’m not sure I’m following.”

“Well, like I said, someone made a generous donation this morning, and Christopher’s now off the waitlist.”

“I didn’t fill out the scholarship application.” His heart was racing. This was unbelievable. Eddie didn’t believe in miracles, at least, miracles didn’t happen to him. He felt like he was short-circuiting, and he didn’t believe what was happening to him. The money he saved could go to fixing up the house - to rigging it so that Christopher would be more comfortable around it, “Are you joking?”

“No need for an application, and no, I’m not joking,” the woman laughs, “Merry Christmas.”

“You’re positive? I mean, there’s got to be other people in front of us,” Eddie doesn’t want to punch a gift horse in the mouth, but he’s got to make sure. This just doesn’t happen to a guy like him. A guy that has been struggling and fighting all his life. Miracles happen, but to other people.

“No sir,” she states matter-of-factly.

“Thank you, thank you so much.” 

“We’ll send the paperwork over, and Christopher can start next semester.”

“Thank you again!” Eddie exclaims as he hangs up the phone number. He needs to tell Christopher and his Abuela the good news.

“Christopher,” he comes into hug him, “Guess who’s going to HMS next semester!”

“Me?” He swings Christopher around as his Abuela gasps.

“Yes, you! This is going to be so great!” He puts his son down, and he sees an odd look on Christopher’s face, “What is it, buddy?”

“Will I still get to see Billy? And my other friends?” Oh. Eddie was so wrapped up in the opportunities and possibilities at HMS that he had forgotten about how Christopher was just getting comfortable at his other school. It was already rough enough for a kid like Christopher to start at any place, and now Eddie is just going to pull him out and place him in a new environment without even thinking.

“Of course, buddy,” Eddie gets down on Christopher’s level, “We can see him whenever he’s free.”

Christopher’s face lights up, “Okay! Then I’m excited too!” He doesn’t know what he did to deserve a son so gracious, so kind, and so understanding. He holds him tight.

“Mijo,” his abuela says, “you have to get to work.” Eddie checks his watch and realizes that it was.

“Christopher, I love you,” Eddie looks into Christopher’s eyes as his son lets out a hearty laugh, “We’ll talk more about this later.”

“I love you too, dad!”

As his Abuela leads him out, he looks at her and finally gives her a hug. It finally hits him, the weight on his shoulders after all this time - wanting to do better for his son. He chokes out a sob, and he can hear his Abuela whisper comfort in his ear. Eddie felt like he didn’t deserve good things after everything that has happened, he wasn’t pessimistic, he was realistic in the life that he’ll lead. The tears stung, but he felt his heart being so full that he couldn’t wait to tell Buck.

“I’m so proud of you, mijo,” his Abuela was looking at him now. She was also fighting back tears, “Go. I’ll see you soon.”

“Thank you so much, Abuelita.”

“Don’t think we finished our conversation about Buck!” She yells as he gets in his truck and drives off. It’s going to be a good shift. A good day.

When he arrives at the station, his mind is still racing from the good news that he has to tell Chim all about it. After so many years on the job with the other man, it was difficult to not be friends with Chim and to trust him like Eddie did.

As he’s telling Chim the good news: the school’s phone call, the anonymous donor. Chim gives him a look.

“What?”

“Are you kidding me?” Chim says bluntly. Eddie’s not sure what he’s missing.

Eddie just shakes his head - still confused.

“Look Eddie, you’re pretty, but you’re not _that_ pretty to be _this_ dumb.”

“Hey,” Eddie says defensively.

“You’re telling me,” Chim starts, “Your best friend of five years becomes a famous actor, hoards all this money, shows up in our town, you have dinner with him last night where you both spent hours talking.” Eddie didn’t tell him that part and before he protests, “Bobby told me. And you still have no idea who the anonymous donor is.” 

Chim scoffs. 

It dawns on him. No, Buck would never. Buck _knows_ the way Eddie hates being a charity case. Buck knows that Eddie doesn’t take pity or money from anyone else. He feels deflated, Buck wouldn’t do this. He knows that Eddie would say no, and he knows how angry this would make him. All his life, he’s been working hard so that Christopher could live a comfortable life, and now, Buck just comes in and drops that kind of money. What was he trying to prove? Eddie’s nagging inadequacies fall on him again. Buck thought he wasn’t enough, and that’s why he gave him all this money. Buck wasn’t proud of him at all; he felt _sorry_ for him and Christopher. He felt sorry that he made it out of this town, and Eddie was still stuck here. 

Eddie’s blood ran hot. He was furious. He walks away from Chim as he hears Chim yell after him, “What? What did I say?” He remains quiet his entire shift - only speaks when spoken to. 

He takes it back. it was going to be a shit day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are welcomed. Chapter 5 will be out Thursday with Eddie confronting Buck. Sadness ensues.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie confronts Buck about his donation.

_ Hi Buck, _

_ I don’t know why dad is working two jobs. He says he is saving up for something big. He says its something that will change my life. I want to tell dad that I’m happy with what I have. I just want him to be happy too. He’s tired all the time. Sometimes I want him to play with me but I know he's tired and I don't want to bother him. _

_ Christopher _

\----

_ Eddie’s hands are shaking. He doesn’t know what’s happening. All he knows is that he’s staring at a stack of divorce papers, and Shannon’s looking at him with these eyes that spell out pity and an emotion that Eddie can’t quite put his fingers on. _

_ All Eddie can do is muster a “What?”  _

_ His mind is still trying to catch up with the details, “Is this because I left for Afghanistan? Baby, that’s why I quit. I knew it was weighing on you. I’m here now. I-” _

_ Shannon just shakes her head, “Eddie,” she says softly, grabbing his hand. Eddie’s too weak to pull away, “It’s not, I just can’t anymore.” _

_ He feels his anger churn in his stomach, but his confusion forces him to speak, _ _ “What do you mean you can’t?”  _

_ “Do you remember when I told you my mother was sick? I need to be with her, Eddie.” _

_ “Our life is here, Shannon, we can’t just leave everything.” _

_ Shannon gets up and makes a frustrated groan, “No, Eddie, our life isn’t here! Christopher’s young enough to move. My family’s offered to help with him. I don’t want to be stuck here. With you.” _

_ He winces at her choice of words. She always knew how to hurt him, “What are you saying?” _

_ “Eddie, my mom’s sick. I have to be with her. And I can’t go back and forth like this. I’m sick of this place. I’m sick of the same people over and over! There’s nothing for me here.” _

_ “There’s me,” he says desperately, “And Christopher? Isn’t that enough? Look, take all the time you need, I can take care of Christopher when you’re away. I get it. You need to be with your family. But you can come back to me.” _

_ Shannon just shakes her head. Eddie still doesn’t get it.  _

_ He feels numb. _

_ “Eddie,” Shannon sits back down next to him, “Come with me.” _

_ “I can’t,” Eddie says. He’s afraid, of course, his life is here. All he’s known is here, and he doesn’t want to leave again. Not after two tours in Afghanistan. He’s tired of moving to a different place, not being comfortable with anyone around him. His life is here, and he doesn’t want to admit it to Shannon, but Buck is here. He doesn’t want it to be a big deal, and he doesn’t want to make it a bigger deal than it is.  _ _ For some reason admitting to Shannon that one of the major reasons he doesn’t want to leave is because of Buck feels more enormous than this conversation. It feels like something he, himself, hasn’t even come to terms with. _

_ “Eddie,” she holds his hand again, and this time, he’s brave enough to pull his hand away, “It’s more than my mother. I feel like you’re not even here with me anymore. Ever since you’ve come home, it’s like you’re always somewhere else. You haven’t opened up to me since forever, and we haven’t, we haven’t had sex for months. Do you realize that?”  _

_ There’s a pregnant pause between them. Eddie hasn’t realized that. And he hadn’t realized that Shannon was counting.  _

_ “It doesn’t have to end this way,” she utters. _

_ “Shannon,” he finally gets up, puts some distance between them, “I can’t leave.”  _

_ She lets out a sigh, and Eddie watches her walk out the door knowing full well that this was the end of their marriage. He feels the finality of it in every fiber of his being, and yet he still can’t come to terms with it. He stands there, doesn’t know for how long, but he waits and he waits. It feels like days. He lets the last few years sink in. The understanding of how he wasn’t enough to make his wife stay fills his soul - emptying itself in every nook and crevice.  _

_ Shannon packs all of her stuff when Eddie’s on a 24-hour shift. She leaves Christopher a note that he obviously can’t read. He and Shannon only communicate through texts.  _

_ He files the divorce papers immediately. _

_ He remembers Bobby’s sympathy, Chim and Maddie coming to visit frequently, and of course, Buck constantly by his side. _

_ He feels numb for a long time. _

\----

Buck feels good as he sits, cross-legged, underneath his sister’s Christmas tree. He’s humming a song as he finishes wrapping the gifts he’s bought for everyone. It’s two days before Christmas, and he’s finally feeling at peace. He knows that he has miles to go in rekindling the relationship between him and Eddie, but he’s practically thrumming with excitement and potential. The dinner with Eddie has solidified that Eddie and him can have a relationship again, and the confession of Christopher’s gift gave Buck hope that Eddie missed him - maybe not in the way that Buck longed for Eddie, but there was companionship there.

He even bought Eddie a gift. He can’t wait for Eddie to open it. It’s not expensive because Eddie doesn’t like expensive, glamorous things. Eddie has always been a utility kind of guy, and his heart swells at just the thought of him. The way the older man moves with such confidence, the way he smiles a little crookedly, and the way he looks at Buck whenever he interacts with Christopher.

“What’s gotten you so happy that you’re humming Mariah Carey?” 

His sister plops down on the couch in what looks like a very comfortable, but very ugly Christmas sweater that says "Sleighin' It" in big bold letters.

“It’s just feels so nice,” Buck says looking up at her, “Being back here. With all of you.”

“And having dinner with Eddie again and seeing Christopher this morning,” Maddie adds.

Buck rolls his eyes. That was completely, one hundred percent true, but he doesn’t want to admit it to his sister yet; it’ll feel too real. He’s scared still. What if he admits his feelings for Eddie to the world, and all Eddie wanted to do was rekindle their _friendship_ and not start a _relationship_. He’s left for so long, and he feels like he’s barely placing himself back in their lives again. He doesn’t want to ruin this a second time.

The deafening loneliness inside of him is soothed whenever he was around Christopher and Eddie. This morning had proved it. Christopher welcoming Buck with opened arms had him rethinking the last five years. The possibilities of being back in their lives and achieving his dreams as an actor was more than anything Buck could ever ask for. Could he have it all? Buck knew acting did not silence his loneliness, but being home, sitting next to his sister, having the ability to see Christopher and Eddie did.

“Maddie,” he starts, “I’m sorry for not coming home all this time.” 

There’s tears behind his eyes. He had to leave to achieve his dreams, but there was a lump of guilt in his throat for being away all this time.

“Oh, Evan,” she hugs him from behind, “You don’t have to apologize for anything. You’re welcome here any time.”

He smiles at her and begins to speak when he’s interrupted, “Just promise me you won’t be gone for that long anymore. I’ve missed you, little brother.”

“I’ve missed you too, Mads. Maybe you can come visit me next time? Chim too?”  _ And Eddie and Christopher _ , he thinks. 

“That sounds lovely.” They hear a knock on the door, and Buck tells his sister that he’ll get it.

He opens the door, and he sees Eddie in front of him. Buck automatically cracks a smile, but something feels different. Eddie's still in his work clothes. Even though he looks exhausted, Buck can't help but still be attracted to him, but in this moment, he can feel the anger seething off of the other man.

"I don't want your  _ fucking  _ handouts," Eddie hisses with such venom that Buck steps back as he closes the door behind him, "You think you can waltz in here after five fucking years and throw your money around like I’m not good enough?"

Buck's confused. He's trying to find words, but Eddie's so angry, and he doesn't know why. He feels himself freeze.

"Explain yourself, Buck. You think I’m some fucking charity case, huh? What? You feel sorry that your best friend can’t even support himself when you’re a big shot now?”

“What? Eddie, no, that’s not what -” Buck stammers.

“No, you don't get to do that! You don't get to leave m- leave us, and come back into our lives and just-! You think this money makes up for all that time?" Eddie moves within mere inches of Buck. It finally clicks. Buck had made that donation anonymously, but of course,  his friend would be smart enough to trace it back to him. The anger radiating off of Eddie almost suffocates him. He sees Eddie's fists shaking at his side, and all Buck wants to do is close the gap between them, wrap Eddie in his arms, and tell him that he's sorry. He didn’t mean for this to happen. He’s choking on his words though. 

Nothing seems to come out. _Say something._

Eddie’s so angry at him, and he’s never seen him like this before.

"Eddie," is all his brain can muster.

"I told you how I felt! How everything and everybody in my life made me feel like I wasn't enough! How everybody looked at me and Christopher with fucking pity. How much it ruined me when Shannon left, and what did you fucking do? You left, Evan! You were my best friend and you left!" Buck twitches at the way Eddie says his name. Buck's eyes widen as he realizes that Eddie's anger stems from more than just the charitable donation, it was something rooted deeply within his core.

Eddie practically spits it in his face, "You said there was nothing for you here, and I was nothing to you. So no, you don't get to do this to me  _ again _ . To waltz in here with your new found wealth and your better life and fucking throw money at a problem and think that fixes it!”

“I didn’t, that’s not what I, I didn’t mean to,” Buck’s panicking. How did everything get so screwed up?

“I’m hearing a lot of ‘I’ statements in there, Buck. I should’ve known that LA would change you. Why’d you come back, Buck? To rub it in my face that you’re better than me?  You’re still alone, aren’t you? You’re not fucking better than me.” 

Buck wants to run, but there’s nowhere to go. The last of Eddie's words suck the air out of his lungs. Tears sting his eyes, and he clenches his hands into fists. 

His voice lowers to a whisper, “I don’t deserve this.” 

Buck raises his hands in defeat, “Maybe I am alone, but I’m not angry at everyone. At the world. And I’m not going to stand here and be your punching bag."

Eddie scoffs. Eddie opens his mouth to speak, but Buck moves in closer. They lock eyes, and he can see the anger, the sadness brimming behind Eddie's eyes. He doesn’t know why he does it, but what Eddie had said about his loneliness - it’s too much. There was a loneliness that ballooned in his heart all these years, and it’s as if Eddie had poked it, and now it all came spilling out. 

He couldn’t handle this anymore. 

He was tired. 

To have Eddie throw his loneliness in his face. To hurt him. Buck felt so naked and vulnerable.

Something inside of him snaps. 

"Yeah, I am alone,” he finally says, “Yeah, I did leave. And you know why? You never gave me a reason to stay. Can you believe I was going to sacrifice my career for you? I would've. If you told me to. I would've stayed in this fucking town and been miserable alongside with you if you told me to. You know why? Because I was in love with you." 

Eddie's eyes widen as he takes a step back. 

There’s a quiet between them now. 

But before Eddie could even react, Buck digs in, "I was in love with you when you were with Shannon; I was in love with you when I first held Christopher in my arms; I was in love with you when I left - that's  _ why  _ I left. And you're right, Eddie, I'm lonely. I've been lonely and miserable ever since I realized I loved you more than you could ever love me. Do you know what it's like to be in love with your best friend? To sit there and watch him live a life with someone else? I've been so fucking alone all these years, and it’s because of you."

He turns his back to Eddie. Silently hoping that Eddie would do anything to make him stay.

Buck was stupid for hoping.  Eddie doesn’t utter a word.  He closes the door on him without ever looking back.

He can barely move, but he musters himself up the stairs.

He sees his sister approach the stairs about to say something, but the shock on her face makes him want to crumple in front of her.

“Don’t,” he utters. 

He goes to his room and locks the door behind him. 

He falls to the floor.

He heaves and sobs as he wraps his arms around his legs. Buck has known pain and loneliness, but nothing feels like this. He feels his heart throb in his chest, and he’s trembling. How could Eddie gotten it so wrong? All he wanted to do was to let his friend breathe a little easier, to not stress because he’s known how hard Eddie’s worked all these years. Buck knew money wasn’t something to take lightly, but Buck has all this money he doesn't need. He just wanted to do good and right for his best friend. It was all wrong. Coming back was a bad idea. So much has changed that a simple miscommunication could break the bond they had formed all those years. 

It was stupid,  _ so stupid  _ of him to think that he could redeem himself for all those years he's lost. He was angry at what Eddie had said, but the truth sank into him like an anchor weighing him down. Running away from his problems, becoming a celebrity, it didn’t change anything. 

He was still lonely. 

He thought he was able to hide his loneliness - that no one would be able to see it. The fact that it was so apparent to Eddie how loneliness he was crushed him.

Buck crawls into bed and cries. He hears a soft knock on the door.

“Evan?” He wants to tell his sister to leave him alone, “I’ll go away if you tell me to, but let me be here for you, Evan.”

Some part of him wants to tell her to go away, but Buck doesn’t want to be alone anymore. So he opens the door and lets his sister in.

The look on her face makes Buck choke out a sob. She leads him to his bed and cradles his head in her arms, “Oh, Evan.”

“I -” Buck begins, but his chest hurts, and he can’t stop his tears from falling, “I fucked it up.” 

He gasps out, “I love him, and I fucked it all up.” 

The touch of his sister’s hand stroking his back feels distant as his whole body shakes from the sobs he let out.

He hears Maddie’s voice trying to soothe him. It feels so distant though.

He chokes out, “I’m so lonely, Maddie.” 

“Oh, Evan,” his sister’s voice cracks, “I’m here, Evan, I’m here for you.”

“I’m so lonely.”

The words feel like a mantra to him granting catharsis every time he utters them.

\----

He doesn’t know what time it is when his phone buzzes next to him, and he doesn’t know when his sister tucked him in and left his side, but it’s dark outside. His voice feels like gravel after all the crying he did.

The voice on the other end is rougher than his, “Buck. Don’t hang up.”

It’s Eddie. His voice is slurred and it’s almost pleading. After all that had happened, hearing Eddie’s voice still does stupid things to his heart. 

“What do you want, Eddie?” Buck grits out. He tells himself he's allowed to be angry.

“I think,” Eddie says in a voice so quiet that Buck can barely hear, “I’ve made a mess of things.”

Eddie’s voice cracks over the phone. It does something to Buck’s heart.

“I think we need to talk. And I, uhh, I need a ride.” Buck wants to be sarcastic and nasty to Eddie. He wants to tell him that he could call a Lyft in order to pick him up. But can't find it within himself to be spiteful with the other man

“Where are you?” He says as he gets up and puts on a jacket, “I’ll come pick you up.”

“Buck, I - thank you.”

He sees Eddie in front of the local bar waiting for him. It’s cold outside, and there’s a soft layer of snow falling on Eddie’s shoulder. His hair dusted with new specks of white. All Buck wants to do is hug the man as he gets into the passenger seat. The stench of alcohol permeates off of Eddie, and it’s almost too much to handle.

Eddie gets in, mutters a thank you, but he doesn’t look at Buck. He almost wants to lean over and dust the snow that sits on Eddie’s shoulders. He decides he shouldn’t.

Buck doesn’t know what he wants, but he knows it’s not this.

There’s an awkward silence between them as he drives Eddie back to his house, “Wait, do you still live in the same house?”

Eddie just mumbles a yes. This wasn’t how this was suppose to go. He thought he was actually going to have a conversation with the other man, but the quiet spreads over them. It’s unbearable.

As he arrives and looks at Eddie’s house, he immediately gets a rush of nostalgia. The outside looks exactly the way Buck had left it five years ago, and the light on the inside stirs Buck's heart to move. He knows that Eddie’s an adult, and he doesn’t need Buck’s help. He’s made that loud and clear, but he steps out anyway and opens the door for Eddie. Eddie mumbles something about Christopher and Abuela, and he swings an arm over Buck’s shoulder.

“Still looking after me,” Eddie drunkenly slurs, “Even after what I said to you.”

He knows that Eddie’s drunk, so he tries not to take anything he says too seriously. Underneath the scent of alcohol, Buck can still smell the familiarity of the older man - the way his cologne smells reminds him of something he’s long lost. He walks Eddie to the door as the leans into him.

Eddie digs into his pocket and opens the door. 

Buck almost gasps at the sight before him. He's overcome with a sense of longing and loss.

He didn’t realize how much he had missed this place. Eddie had moved some things around, upgraded some of the furniture, and added more picture frames, but the feeling of home and warmth remains the same. He sees all the photos of Christopher and Eddie, and he almost breaks down right then and there. 

He sees toys strewn around here and there, and he notices the markings on the wallpaper in the hallway that indicates how tall Christopher is getting as he walks Eddie to his room. He sees everything that he’s left behind in this house, and it’s almost too much for him to witness.

The anger that was there before is replaced with an ache that's almost unbearable. A revelation hits him in his stomach. His answer for loneliness didn't exist in some acting job in LA or even away from his town. The cure for his loneliness sat in the same place that he left all those years - in this house, with Christopher and Eddie. 

Was it too late? Was everything between Eddie and Buck so irreparably damaged that he had ruined his chance of no longer being lonely?

Eddie moves away from him and collapses on the bed. Before Buck could leave, he hears Eddie murmur something as he kicks off his shoes.

“Did you need anything else?” Buck says softly coming closer to the bed. Eddie has his eyes closed. Buck steals a glance at the other man, takes a mental note of the curvature of Eddie’s lips, the pink in his cheeks.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, “I’m sorry. For everything.”

Buck inhales, “You’re drunk. We’ll talk in the morning.” 

“When did it happen, Evan?” The silence of the house sits between them. Everything stands still. The way Eddie says Buck’s name quietly in the dark; the way it feels like a need, a want, a haphazard expression of desire - it sends shivers down his spine. Buck is almost sure Eddie's just slurring nonsensical things until the last question he hears before Eddie falls asleep makes his heart roar and thunder in his chest.

“You said you were in love with me. Did you ever stop?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so difficult to write in some parts that I found myself rewriting it so many times. I realized I couldn't read and reread it anymore.
> 
> Also, YES, SORRY (not sorry) FOR ALL THE ANGST. 
> 
> Please feel free to yell at me in the comments.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rarely anything gets resolved as Buck and Eddie can't keep their hands off of each other.
> 
> \----
> 
> This chapter is 25% plot and 75% smut. I'm not sorry. ;)

_ For the longest time, it was always Buck and Eddie. So when he packed all his belongings in his suitcase and flew to LA, he didn’t know how to function without constantly reaching out to Eddie. His longing for Eddie was no longer an ache, but an incessant thrum in his belly. _

_ He wanted to call Eddie, to tell him that it was a mistake, that he wanted to come back, and everything was horrible without him. _

_ He settled with, “Landed in LA :).” _

_ He figures he wouldn’t get a text back right away, Eddie was incredibly busy with either Christopher or he was on call at the firestation. He decided to push down all his doubts and regrets, and promised that if this worked out, he would fly back immediately to Maddie, Eddie, and Christopher.  _

_ He owed them everything for sticking by him all these years. He imagines thanking those three people at any chance he gets because he wouldn’t know where he would be without them - he knew that much was true. _

_ Then the first day of shooting happened, and his director was so happy with his performance. She tells him that he’s green around the edges, but she can see immense potential in him. Buck immediately texts Eddie with, “First day of shooting was great! Can’t wait for you to see it!”  _

_ He almost types, “I miss you,” but he refrains. The incessant need to talk to Eddie manifests into a pool of longing that sits in his chest. Eddie doesn’t reply. Even in the blur of the city, his job, he checks his phone frequently to hear from him. He wants to send Eddie’s pictures of where he’s been, who he meets, gifts that he wants to give Christopher, but he decides against it. Buck’s lonely, but the nonexistent replies feel like rejection. He’s desperate, but he wants to give Eddie his space. _

_ “I got renewed as a series regular! :)))”  _

_ Hen, Abby, and him go out to celebrate. They hash out the plan to fake date. No one questions Buck’s sexuality or why he doesn’t protest. He doesn’t tell them that it’s because a certain person back in his hometown with his adorable kid had burrowed their way into his heart already leaving no room for anyone else. He doesn’t date in LA even though he looks for Eddie in everyone he meets. He doesn’t tell them about his sexuality, in fact, no one knows. He figures it’s for the best. He knows that Hen has a wife, and Abby is not one to judge, but he’s so focused on his career and not longing for Eddie that it’s almost as if he’s running on autopilot. _

_ He swears he’s happy. He’s successful, damn it. He has everything he’s ever wanted. He feels like he’s doing good work.  _

_ The loneliness roots itself into every fiber of his being. He forgets a time when he wasn’t lonely, so he learns to accept it for what it is. _

_ The days turn into months turn into years, and he doesn’t hear from Eddie. He initially stops contacting everyone from his hometown, but he rekindles his relationship with his sister, and he keeps in touch with her, and every time his sister mentions Eddie, his ears perk up. He nods and tells her, “Yeah, I remember him telling me that.” When in actuality, they haven’t talked in years. Maddie doesn’t protest or imply that she knows that they haven’t talked. _

_ He sees Eddie move on with his life - adding new pictures on social media. He sees Chris grow into a resilient, happy boy through a phone screen. He stops liking Eddie’s photos. The distance between them an ocean that he’s drowning in. _

_ His feelings for Eddie remain somewhere deep in his heart. He locks it away in there, afraid to acknowledge it. It sleeps within him as he has one night stands with just about anyone that looks at him the way he wants Eddie to look at him. _

_ When he wins his Emmy, he’s overwhelmed. He never thought that this would happen. He really wants to use this moment to thank everyone - including Eddie, but he doesn’t know how to. He doesn’t want it to be weird. His friend seemed to move on with his life, and he clearly didn’t want anything to do with him. It hurts a lot, but there’s newfound understanding as well.  _

_ He’s miserable, but he’s successful. _

_ He doesn’t blame Eddie for his misery. He was the one that chose to leave. _

_ After he gets off stage, he reaches for his phone and types out an “I miss you” to Eddie - riding a high. He decides it’s stupid to do so. He puts his phone back in his pocket and tries not to think about Eddie anymore and how much he misses him.  _

_ It doesn’t work. _

_ He resigns to being lonely. _

\----

Eddie almost forgets how he got home last night if it weren’t for the couch creaking in his living room. Everything comes barrelling back to him. The way he felt as Buck smiled at him in the diner, the way Christopher and Buck looked so perfect next to each other, and the way his heart lurched at Buck’s confession. His blood still runs hot after looking at Buck, the angry seeped right out of him as he thought about Buck’s confession. Buck had loved him. After all this time, Buck was in love with him. How could someone like Buck - warm, giving, generous be in love with someone like Eddie - distant, quick to anger, broken?

Buck thought he was enough -  _ even back then _ ? 

Buck would’ve stayed if Eddie asked him?

Eddie knows deep down he couldn’t have done that to him. He couldn’t have asked Buck to stay in this town and not chase his dreams. What kind of person would he be if he made Buck choose between his career and this small life? 

It was right for Buck to have left. Eddie was still sifting through his own feelings at the time. He had no say in whether Buck stayed or left if he didn’t even know he had feelings for his best friend. He just hopes it wasn’t too late. He throws a pillow over his head and wants to sink back into bed. He’s made quite a mess of things, and he doesn’t know if he can fix it. 

The memory of the question he asked Buck yesterday shakes him out of bed. He can’t believe he had asked that yesterday (well, he can, he had a lot to drink after Buck’s confession). He tries to put himself back together. He stalls out talking to Buck for as long as possible as he brushes his teeth, showers, and finally steps out of the room.

He can hear Buck’s leveled breathing. He didn’t know why he knew Buck would stay over, but it felt right. It felt as if Buck was always meant to be in this house. Buck sleeping on the couch felt like they were having a lover’s quarrel, and the other man had resigned himself to the couch for some distance. 

It’s still dark out, and he wants to reach out to Buck. The only light is the hallway. 

Maybe he’s still asleep, and Eddie can just pack up all his stuff and run away and never have to confront his feelings. 

No, that was stupid, he needed to do this, “Buck?”

“Yeah?” Buck says immediately. Well, no chance in running now, Buck was awake.

He sits up.

It’s freezing outside, and Eddie notices that Buck doesn’t have a shirt on. A strange feeling sits at the pool of his stomach as he realizes that there is a shirtless Buck lying on his couch. He tries his best to yank his eyes away from Buck’s broad chest. He fails when he catches the two tattoos, and tries to avert his eyes again.

Buck just looks at him in earnest.

“Can we talk?” Eddie starts.

Buck sits up on the couch and looks for his shirt. Eddie almost groans, and yes, he knows there’s a lot to talk about, but a man has his needs too, okay? Buck just grunts at him, and he wishes that he didn’t find him so sexy.

“I-”, Eddie starts again. He doesn’t even know where to begin.

“You’re sorry,” Buck finishes. Eddie’s heart lurches because he can see that Buck is still hurt from their interaction yesterday.

“I am,” Eddie begins again, “I said some really awful things, and I just got so angry, and I’m not even sure if it’s about you, I, you know I don’t like charity.” Eddie winces as the word comes out all wrong.

“You’re not,” Buck stands up, and Eddie involuntarily takes a step back because he doesn’t know how to do this. He wants to scream at Buck to stay. He wants to get on his knees and beg him to never leave. He wants to tell Buck that there was only darkness in his life, and Buck, standing here, in this small house and this small life that he’s carved out for himself, it felt like the world had shifted on its axis. The world felt right again. Standing in front of Buck, wanting to do better, to say the correct things, it felt foreign to Eddie, but it felt  _ right _ . 

“You still don’t get it. You were never charity.”

“Yeah, then why did you do that, Buck?” 

Buck lets out a groan, “Honestly, Eddie, how are you so clueless?” Before Eddie can shake his head, he finds Buck crowding his space, and it takes a moment to register, but he feels Buck’s lips colliding with his. It’s an aggressive kiss - one that sets his skin ablaze. There was numbness when Shannon left, but now, Eddie was lit from within. A fire immolated within him, and he was sure that this was what he was meant to be doing all his life. 

He’s not even sure it could be called a kiss as he definitely feels Buck’s teeth knocking against his. 

The moment’s gone too quickly. Buck takes a step back. He looks at Eddie with fear in his eyes, “Fuck. Sorry, I-”

Before Eddie knows what he’s doing, he grabs Buck’s face and kisses him back. When Eddie had kissed Shannon for the first time, it felt like the sound of rain - muting all the emotions he had felt, a single focus on her lips. Now, when he kissed Buck, it felt like fire that ignited every single fiber, every single sense, every single thought within his brain. It kindled a need within him to please Buck, to make Buck happy, to ask questions about his future. It immolated him.

Arousal spreads through him as Buck quickly gives into the kiss and practically preens. He opens his mouth, and Eddie doesn’t hesitate. It was as if Buck’s mouth was a match, and he wanted to light himself on fire. The warmth of Buck’s tongue as it wrestles against his has Eddie moan involuntarily.

Buck’s hands are hungry as they grab Eddie’s waist. Eddie’s never kissed a man before, but he bites Buck’s bottom lip to taste the redness of it as his hands scrape against Buck’s facial hair. 

Kissing Buck feels like every time he jumps into a burning building magnified to the thousands. He hisses every time Buck’s hand grabs at him, and he groans a little too loud as Buck pulls away.

“I thought,” he gasps, “we needed to talk.”

“Later,” is all Eddie can muster as he pushes Buck to the nearest wall. Buck winces a little. Eddie finds Buck’s lips again, enticing him to open his mouth for Eddie’s tongue to explore. He clamors to get Buck’s shirt off of him, wanting to feel exactly what five years has done to Buck’s body. He hisses as his hands grip Buck’s biceps - feeling hardness underneath his soft skin. He pulls his lips away from Buck’s mouth. He wants to explore the curvatures of Buck’s neck as Buck tilts his head up.

He tastes Buck’s skin for the first time with his tongue, and he’s drunk on how he tastes. He bites down at the place where Buck’s neck meets his shoulder. The gasp that comes out Buck’s mouth forces Eddie to move his body closer to him so that Buck’s skin feels warm against his shirt. Eddie’s never felt like this before, he’s hungry and starving to feel more of Buck. He wants to taste each and every one of Buck’s tattoo, so he settles with the one atop of his chest. His hands explore Buck’s broad chest.

He feels Buck’s erection on his thigh, and it makes his own cock twitch in his shorts. He bends a little and does a quick lick at Buck’s nipple. He’s so drunk on how Buck tastes that he gives it a few more tastes before putting it entirely in his mouth. The way Buck stiffens in his mouth makes him want to see what else he can get to stiffen. He feels Buck’s knees practically shake next to him as Buck grinds on him.

He moves his other hand to grab Buck’s cock. The sound that comes out of Buck’s mouth is almost animalistic. Eddie’s never held another man’s cock in his hand before, but it feels hot to the touch, and he wants more of it. He’s practically drooling thinking about how the warmth would feel in his mouth.

Eddie looks up at Buck, “You want this?”

“I’ve - “ Buck gasps, “I’ve - never - wanted anything more.”

And that’s all it takes for Eddie to get on his knees and pull down Buck’s shorts. His eyes widen at Buck fully naked in front of him - legs quivering. Buck’s cock twitches on its own volition and it’s leaking so much that Eddie swallows hard just looking at it. 

Buck is bigger than he is, and Eddie’s not small. He traces the way Buck’s dick stands proud as it eggs him on to have a taste of it. He swallows hard as his eyes rake over the way Buck looks in front of him - absolutely wrecked. There’s a hint of doubt rising in him, “I’ve never - I’ve never done this before,” he admits.

Buck wheezes, “Whatever you want, I - I’m pretty sure I can come with just you looking at me like that.” Eddie gives his concentration back on Buck’s dick in front of him. He takes it in his hand and gives it a few tugs, and Buck is practically grunting. 

Eddie decides to give it a few licks first - savoring the salty sweetness of Buck on his tongue. The way he tastes sends jolts of arousal throughout him, and he’s pretty sure his boxers are ruined from the way he’s leaking. Eddie decides to test the waters a little bit as he swirls his tongue around the head of Buck’s cock, and the warmth of Buck makes Eddie feel light headed. He realizes that he’s never wanted anything more than this. He’s never wanted someone so much in his life.

He wraps his lips around Buck - teasing the bottom of Buck’s dick with his tongue as he slowly takes Buck in his mouth. Buck tastes so warm inside of him, and he wants to know what it feels like to have Buck completely in his mouth. Buck is so big, and he’s not sure he can take all of it, but the way Buck sounds absolutely wrecks Eddie. So he decides to take in more, and there are tears forming, but it feels so good to have Buck throb inside of his mouth. 

He goes down as far as he can, using his hand to cover the inches that his mouth can’t reach. He’s not particularly skilled, but he makes up for it in enthusiasm. His hand reaches for Buck’s balls as he bobs up and down on his dick. His own cock practically begging to be released.

Eddie grabs one of Buck’s hands and forces him to grab his hair. He looks up at the man, and their eyes finally lock, and he can feel Buck throbbing in his mouth. It hurts so good as Buck fills his mouth with a warmness he hasn’t ever felt before.

Buck is still so gentle with him that it frustrates the shit out of him. He pulls away and looks up at Buck, “Fuck my mouth.” He doesn’t know where it comes from, but there’s so much need in his voice that Buck just nods and grabs ahold of his hair tightly and pushes his cock further in Eddie’s mouth. Eddie doesn’t close his eyes because he wants to see what he does to Buck, and the image of Buck looking down at him with such want and desire makes him want more.

The sound that comes out of Buck is almost animalistic, and it hurts a little, but it feels so good as he feels his mouth stretching around his best friend’s cock. 

Buck picks up the pace and hisses, “I’m close,” and in the quiet of the house, he can hear how much he’s slobbering over Buck’s dick as he bobs up and down. He feels Buck tightening his grip in his hair sending a jolt straight down his own cock.

Buck’s voice is strained, “Can I come?”

All Eddie can do is grunt an approval as Buck practically screams as he releases in Eddie’s mouth over and over again, and Eddie almost chokes at the sheer amount of liquid heat that comes out. But he just swallows it all - not wanting to miss a drop. He wants Buck to know that he wants this, that he wants to taste Buck over and over again. He can feel Buck shaking and his legs quivering as his dick twitches in Eddie’s mouth.

“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck growls as he looks down at Eddie, “My turn.” 

Before Eddie can hesitate, Buck pulls Eddie up and kisses him with such a hunger. Eddie complies and opens his mouth for Buck to taste the way Buck still lingers on his lips. He gasps as Buck picks him up by his thighs, shakes out of his own shorts, and carries him to the couch.

He sets Eddie down gently, “Turn over,” and Eddie almost hesitates because he’s never done this before, but he trusts Buck. 

Eddie crawls up towards the couch so that Buck is directly staring at his ass, “Buck, I don’t -”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” is all that Eddie can mutter as the other man pulls down his shorts. Buck growls as he sees Eddie’s dick bob and slap his stomach. He’s so achingly hard for Buck that he’s pretty sure he would come with a simple touch. Eddie’s never done this, and he feels so vulnerable as Buck grabs his cheeks and spreads it apart.

“Buck, I-” And before Eddie can say anything else, he feels something warm and wet around his ring of muscles. He twitches and almost pulls away, but the sensation is so good that he just gasps. He feels the ring of muscles tighten at first, and then release as he pushes back towards Buck’s hot mouth.

He feels Buck's hands completely on his ass and spreading his cheeks apart, and he whines at the loss of contact, “Do you want me to keep going?”

“God,” Eddie whines, “Yes, fuck, keep going.” And that’s all it takes for Buck to swipe his tongue up and down Eddie’s hole. He feels slick and wet, and it sends shivers up his spine. He has goosebumps all over, and he feels his cock practically ache for attention. He tries to reach for it, but Buck gently grabs his hand.

“Not yet,” Buck commands. The way Buck’s voice tremors has Eddie obeying him instantly, “Don’t want you to come yet.” He feels Buck’s tongue entering him now, and Eddie’s cock strains at the way it feels. His arousal pools at the bottom of his stomach, and he doesn’t know what exactly comes out of his mouth, but he knows it’s a litany of “Buck” and “fuck”.

Just when he thinks he’s going to come from Buck fucking his hole with his tongue, Buck flips him over and pulls Eddie’s legs down so that he’s sitting on the couch - his cock twitches at the way Buck looks at it with a hunger he’s never seen before. The sound that comes out of Eddie’s mouth is almost embarrassing as Buck takes all of Eddie in his mouth at once. Eddie’s not small, but the way he bottoms out in Buck’s mouth makes Eddie realize that the other man has done this before.

He’s almost jealous if he could string a thought together. But the way that Buck bobs his head up and down Eddie’s dick like a pro makes him unable to have any stray thoughts, “Buck, I’m going to -” Buck just quickens his pace, and the sounds he hears as Buck moves up and down is filthy. The way Buck moves his tongue so that he tastes every inch of Eddie, and the way the warmth of his mouth feels around Eddie’s dick has Eddie twitching with the need to come. He grips the man’s biceps as he feels close to release. Buck takes it like a champ as Eddie spills into Buck’s mouth over and over. He’s pretty sure he’s never come this hard and this much before. He’s shaking and grunting, and sees stars.

He still feels light-headed as Buck looks up at him with such a want and need that drives Eddie crazy.

He traces a finger on Buck’s bottom lip as it glistens with the aftermath of Eddie.

Buck huffs and sits next to him, and Eddie can see that Buck is half hard again and chuckles. 

“I,” Eddie starts, “I think I have feelings for you.”

Buck bursts out laughing, “Are you kidding me?”

“Okay,” Eddie laughs as he’s still gasping for air, “I definitely have feelings for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas confessions coming up next chapter. ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie and Buck give each other their gifts.

_ All Christopher wanted was for his Dad to be happy. And to make his Dad proud. He knows he’s not like other kids, and he doesn’t want to be. Sometimes, he has a lot of questions that he wants to ask, but he knows the questions might make his Dad sad.  _

_ He doesn’t want that at all.  _

_ He has so many questions like: Where did mom go? Where did Buck go all that time? Were Buck and Dad really good friends? If so, why did you stop talking to each other? What makes you happy, Dad? _

_ Sometimes, Christopher just gets so angry. It has nothing to do with his Dad, but it has more to do with him. He doesn’t want to be a burden to his Dad, and his Dad will never call him such a thing, but it frustrates him so much that he can’t be like other kids sometimes. It frustrates him so much that he cries and lashes out.  _

_ It’s not fair. _

_ He’s really glad that Buck’s back though. He’s glad that Buck got his letters, and he’s glad that he replied all those times. He knows Buck’s really busy being a famous actor and all, but he knew that Buck would reply because he’s a good person. _

_ That’s why when Santa asked him what he wanted, he told Santa that he wanted his Dad to be happy again like he was when he was with Buck. He doesn’t think he can wish for a person. Even Santa has his limits, he thinks. He didn’t know where to begin to explain to Santa that Buck made his dad happy, but he hopes that Santa gets the idea. _

\----

It’s Christmas Eve, and Buck’s whole body feels like it’s on fire after what had happened at Eddie’s house. When he gets to his sister’s, he practically runs to his room afraid of Maddie knowing that just a few moments earlier, he and Eddie were, he doesn’t know what to call it, resolving their conflicts? It didn’t feel resolved. 

His mind was still racing a mile a minute. Did this mean that Eddie liked him the way that he liked Eddie? How deep were Eddie’s feelings for him? He wanted to answer Eddie’s question before the other man fell asleep.

He had as many questions as he had answers.

He settles on showering instead.

He’s still buzzing as he showers. He finds himself full of nervous energy as he puts on his green Christmas sweater with a tree that lights up whenever he pushes a button underneath it. He cannot wait to see Eddie again. Eddie promised that they’ll talk later, about everything, but he had to pick up Christopher first and get him ready for the party tonight. 

The phone buzzes, and he frowns seeing that it’s not Eddie.

**Hen:** Merry Christmas, Buck! Hope you’re doing well.

She sends a picture of Karen and Denny, and it makes Buck smile. Hen’s moved past just being his agent, and the last few years, she’s taken him in during Christmases and holidays. She never questions why he doesn’t go home and just assumes that he’s just a human golden retriever waiting to be adopted.

**Buck:** Thanks! U too!

**Hen:** Hope everything in your hometown is working out.

**Buck:** It is! Im quitting and never coming back

**Hen:** Don’t play with me, Buck!

**Buck** : Hahaha dont worry im coming back eventually!

**Hen:** See you when we get back! Can’t wait to hear all about it!

Buck hears Maddie call his name downstairs, and he puts his phone back in his pocket. As he walks down the stairs, he’s greeted by warmth and laughter of everyone he used to know. Bobby and Athena come in for a hug, and their kids ask him for a picture.

He graciously accepts and tells their kids that he’ll gladly follow them on all the social media accounts for the clout. The kids laugh at his use of the word, but they follow him anyway.

Maddie and Chim are busying themselves around the house with their matching ugly sweaters. He tries his best to not look at the door as he makes small talk with everyone.

He sees Bobby in an apron along with Athena and Chim helping in any way they can. The air smells so good, and he’s missed home-cooked meals so much. Back in LA, he had no purpose in learning how to cook. When he was on set, there was plenty of food, and he hated cooking for one. The loneliness of cooking a meal by yourself and then washing dishes was unbearable. A person hasn’t felt loneliness until they ate dinner by themselves at a large dining table - listening to the quiet of their house settling in. That was how Buck felt, but now, surrounded by people who accept him, Chim and Bobby bickering as Maddie and Athena talk about their line of work, it strikes a chord in Buck. Buck was a fool to realize that he had been running from the very thing that would’ve made him less lonely. 

As he sits down with Maddie and Athena and trade stories about their careers, he realizes that his loneliness sits at bay, just far enough that it doesn’t bother him. Athena and Buck got off on the wrong foot at the beginning, but Buck has always looked up to her - admired the way she carried herself as a police officer and climbed up the ranks as sergeant.

“Buck says that next Christmas will be at his house in LA!” Maddie exclaims.

“Hey, whoa,” Buck chuckles, “I only invited you and Chim.”

Athena looks positively affronted, and Buck relents, “Athena, Bobby, and the kids are invited too, I guess.”

“Damn straight,” Athena says looking at him fondly, “I’ll be there.”

The doorbell rings and Buck almost feels himself collapse as the nervousness sets in again. 

Buck practically lunges towards the door.

“Hey Buck!” Christopher practically shouts as he walks in to hug him, “Look, my Dad and I are matching.” Buck’s face breaks out into an ear-to-ear grin as he realizes that both Christopher and Eddie are wearing bright red Rudolph sweaters that light up where Rudolph’s red nose is suppose to be.

“Hey, buddy!” Buck exclaims as he hugs him and looks up at Eddie, “You both look adorable!” 

Eddie positively beams at him. He hears May and Grant shout at Christopher to hang out with them, and Christopher strolls on in comfortably.

He wants to go in for a hug, but he hesitates - not knowing what to do since they didn’t really talk about anything yet and Eddie’s hands are full of gifts.

“What? You’ve had my dick in your mouth and you can’t give me a hug?” Eddie teasingly whispers even though his son is no longer within earshot. Buck almost chokes on his own spit at the comment as a hint of arousal runs down his spine. Eddie lets out a hearty laugh and opens his arms for Buck.

“There - there was mutual - mutual dicks in mouth,” he stammers as he feels his face getting red. After all this time, Eddie still has Buck’s brain short-circuiting. As they hug, Buck hears people giggling at them in the background, “Can we, can we talk?”

“Now?” Eddie hesitates as he drops his gifts next to the tree and checks on Christopher. The three kids engrossed in some video game that Chim had set up.

“Yeah,” Buck wants to get this over with. He feels brave enough to tell Eddie how he feels, and he wants to lay it all out on the table before he leaves. He wants to make this work. He knows that he has to leave to continue his career, but he wants Eddie in his future - whatever the other man can give him.

“Okay,” Eddie says as he goes into the kitchen to greet everyone. He makes his rounds and gives everyone a hug and makes small talk, and Buck is practically dying. He knows he’s hovering, but he’s prepared to lay it all out on the line. He wants to make this work; this has to work. He’s done with being lonely, and he knows that Eddie is his cure for loneliness. He wants Eddie more now than ever since he’s gotten a taste of what that’s like, and the realization of Eddie wanting him only fuels him to be braver. 

He wants whatever Eddie can give him, and he’s positively aching, “I’m ready.”

Buck leads Eddie out in the backyard where Maddie has a fire pit going. The fire crackles as they sit down on the bench. It had stopped snowing this morning, Buck notices. Buck notices that Eddie has his hands in his pocket as they sit down. Buck tries his best to keep his attention on the fire. It’s cold, but this was the only way to get Eddie alone. 

Now that he has Eddie’s attention, he’s nervous and doesn’t know where to begin. There’s a twinge of regret in asking Eddie to talk now. What if Eddie didn’t feel the same way? What if yesterday was just a touch and go? What if it meant more for him than it did for Eddie?

Caution be damned. He just wants to go for it.

“Eddie, I just wanted to say that I know how hard you’ve worked all these years. I would never - that gift, that gift I gave to HMS, it was anonymous for a reason. I didn’t want it to come back to me because I know how damn stubborn you are. I didn’t do it because I felt sorry for you, Eddie, or because I pity Christopher. I did it because I love you. I did it as an apology for all that time I was missing in yours and Chris’ life. I’m sorry. I, you asked me before you drunkenly fell asleep - ” He realizes he’s talking incredibly fast, and he wonders if Eddie’s lost, but he just needs to get this all out. Eddie shifts uncomfortably, “- if I ever stopped loving you, I never did. I don’t think I ever did. I was, it has always been you. You, this morning, what we did, I, how you felt when we kissed, it didn’t make me feel  _ miserable _ , Eddie, I don’t know what this means, but I -” 

Eddie stops him, “Buck, I know. I’m sorry for how I acted, how I reacted. I don’t want to ruin this - to ruin us. I want you to know that - that what I said was uncalled for. I was - I don’t know, I was angry. Not at you. At myself. At the situation. You never looked down on me, you never wanted anything from me, I don’t know what I was thinking., so before you say anything else, I wanted to give you something.”

Eddie digs in his pocket and takes out a small black box, “It’s not, it’s not a ring,” he quickly says, and Buck lets out a nervous laugh. He knows it’s ridiculous, but if Eddie asked, Buck’s pretty sure he would’ve said yes right then and there.

He hands it to Buck, and Buck can see that Eddie’s hands are shaking and he doesn’t know if it’s from the cold or from the nerves. 

He opens it. 

“Merry Christmas, Buck.”

He’s pretty sure he’s not breathing. Buck’s absolutely positive that his heart has stopped dead in its tracks. He feels his ears get hot. He stammers something.

Eddie’s hand is warm as he rests it on Buck’s thigh. Buck feels the tension in his shoulders relax. It was one thing to be intimate with Eddie last night, but it’s another to feel Eddie’s hand on his leg like this - a kind of security blanket he didn’t know he was missing. The loneliness that Buck feels mutes in his head.

Everything’s too much for him, and he’s pretty sure he’s lost all ability to speak as he feels tears forming behind his eyes.

“It’s a key,” Eddie states simply, “It’s uhm, it’s a key to my house. I had asked Christopher this morning how he felt if we gave you a key, and he was so happy. I’m pretty sure Chris wants you over anytime, and I want to make sure that you know that you’ll always have a home here. With me. And Christopher. Any chance you want. I - I was an idiot for not telling you how I felt then.” 

Eddie’s eyes are on him, and Buck can’t seem to fight his tears any longer. He can’t help but notice the quiver in Eddie’s voice and the way the other man’s eyes are glistening. The deep pool of brown eagerly looking at him. 

He knows his own eyes are doing that weird thing where his eyelashes are fluttering too much as he lets out a sob, “I want whatever you can give me, Evan.” 

The way Eddie says his name makes Buck break out into a smile.

“I think I’m in love with you,” Eddie continues - never taking his eyes off of him, “I think I was in love with you when you left. I was stupid to let you go without ever telling you, and even more stupid when I let it get so bad between us. I - I just, Shannon had left, and you said there was nothing for you here, and it just - of course I didn’t know how you felt about me, I was so wrapped up in being miserable and feeling that I was never enough for anyone that I didn’t realize that you’d been miserable too. I think I’ve always loved you. My body knew, but my mind was just too slow in processing. I- Buck, can you say something because I feel like I’m rambling now.”

Buck’s at a loss for words, so he places one hand on Eddie’s cheek and leans in for a kiss. This is the second time he’s initiated a kiss with his best friend, but this time it feels different. Their first kiss was borne out of a need and a want, this kiss was borne out of affirmation. They were idiots to have waited this long, and Buck positively spills himself into this kiss wanting to affirm to Eddie that he has loved him all this time.

Eddie pulls away, his cheeks tinged a rose pink, “Wait, so, you never stopped loving me? Can I - can I just hear it again?”

“Eddie,I love you, and I want this,” Buck admits, “I wanted this since forever, and you are - you are everything I ever needed. You and Christopher. I want this, and I’m all in. Can we start kissing again please?” He practically whines and Eddie grabs his face and deepens their kiss. 

Buck practically groans as Eddie pulls away again, “As much as I want to keep this going, I’m pretty sure Athena’s calling for backup right now thinking that one of us has murdered the other.”

Buck laughs. Both their cheeks and their lips rosy from the contact. Eddie stands up and sticks out his hand. Buck positively radiates as Eddie leads him back inside with their fingers interlocked. The way Eddie’s hand feels grazing against his is a kind of bliss that he’s never quite known. 

As they enter the house, Buck notices that everyone is pretending to shift things around the dinner table. He sees Maddie look at them first and points to the top of the door, “Mistletoe!”

Buck swears that wasn’t there before, but before he knows it, Eddie turns to him and plants a kiss on his lips. It’s soft, and quick, and chaste, but this act of intimacy in front of his friends make his heart flutter.

Eddie laughs as the room breaks out in applause.

“Pay up, babe!” Maddie shouts at Chim, and he groans and takes out a fifty to hand to her.

“You had a bet?” Eddie asks.

“Well yeah, and I thought I would win after I told you about the anonymous donor. I mean, I wasn’t rooting against you two, I just knew you two were dumbasses.”

Buck has to laugh at that as his hand finds Eddie’s again.

Maddie is almost crying as she hugs her brother, “I always knew it was going to work out.”

“You did?” Buck raises his eyebrows.

“Well, no,” Maddie admits, “You both are idiots, so it was either going to end in murder or kissing.” 

Eddie laughs. The sound goes straight to Buck’s heart.

When they sit down for dinner, Buck sits next to Eddie and Christopher. His feelings of loneliness melts away as he’s surrounded by the people he loves. Eddie places a hand on top of Buck’s leg under the table, and the warmth of Eddie’s touch goes directly to his heart. Contentment rests in Buck’s body where loneliness used to be. He doesn’t remember a time when he was happier than this moment.

As they finally unwrap gifts, Christopher is positively beaming at the gifts he’s gotten. Buck gives Christopher a giant, haphazardly wrapped box. Eddie looks at him as if he’s about to protest, but Buck just grabs his hand to silence the doubt that he knows is going on in Eddie’s head.

“I wanted to,” he simply says, “I’m going to spoil this kid rotten, Eddie, for all the time I’ve missed. You can’t stop me.” 

As Christopher unwraps the gift and screams in excitement, Eddie’s eyes widen as he sees it’s a limited edition lego set.

Christopher turns to Buck, “You’re gonna help me with this, right?”

Buck laughs, “Of course, buddy, anything for you.”

He turns to Eddie and holds out a gift to him. He doesn’t know what he can give Eddie after what Eddie has given to him, but he hopes that this demonstrates to the older man that he still knows him after all these years.

“It’s not much, not after what you gave me,” Buck blurts out, “I, I know you hate expensive things, but I hope you like it.” 

He blushes as Eddie takes the gift in his hand and unwraps it. Eddie takes it in his hand, and the way Eddie beams as he holds Buck’s gift in his hand does it for him. Buck would do anything for that smile. He’s missed the way Eddie smiled.

“It’s a utility knife,” Buck starts out. He had already purchased the gift a few days back before he knew what would happen between them, but after last night, he knew he had to make it unique and special. So he ran all over town this morning to see if anyone could engrave it for him.

On the hilt it says, “To Eddie Diaz. Yours, Buck.”

“It’s, I know, it’s simple, but every firefighter needs one, and I had it engraved this morning. I practically begged the person to engrave it even though he was closing up, I, I hope you like it. I know it’s not a key, and I guess I could give you the key to my house, but I don’t know, sorry.”

“Buck,” Eddie shushes him, “It’s an amazing gift. Thank you.” 

Eddie leans into him and whispers, “Do you have any plans afterwards?” 

Buck quirks his eyebrows at Eddie’s question.

“I want to give you part two of my gift.” 

The way Eddie’s voice is low and the way his eyes darken makes Buck practically shiver with arousal.

“We’re still doing a sleepover, right, Maddie?” Eddie asks - feigning innocence to the rest of their friends around the tree.

Chim and Maddie shoot him a very knowing look. Buck’s face goes red, but Eddie just smiles devilishly at them.

“Of course, sleepover at aunt Maddie’s, right?” Maddie says to the kids. The kids all whoop and cheer.

Buck’s heart has never been so full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is getting close to the end. Thank you so much for following this fic. I know you all didn't have to, but thank you so much for reading. :) 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos keep me going.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end! :)
> 
> Some residual feelings of angst as Buck leaves to LA to begin filming again. Christopher is the best matchmaker. :)

They didn’t even manage to close the door all the way when Buck found Eddie’s hands pushing him against the wall. Buck feels the harshness in Eddie’s kiss as the older man haphazardly kicks the door closed as he fumbles to lock it - never disengaging kiss.

Eddie’s hands grab both of his as he pins him to the wall, his tongue darting out to taste his lips. Eddie bites down teasingly on Buck’s lower lip which elicits a whine from him. He feels Eddie cant his hips as he tries to spread his legs wider so Eddie can fit in between them. The way he feels Eddie grind into him, already hard, makes his own dick twitch with excitement.

Eddie deepens the kiss, and Buck finds himself eagerly parting his lips for the other man. The way Eddie tastes on Buck’s tongue makes Buck inhale with desire. He tastes like a hint of eggnog and something so deeply Eddie that Buck wanted to relish more, to explore more, so he did. The warmth of Eddie’s tongue on his was doing crazy things to his head and his cock that he didn’t notice that Eddie had tightened his grip on his hands.

He almost whines as Eddie removes his grip from his hands to fumble with Buck’s pants, “Too much pants,” Eddie grunts in Buck’s mouth. He pulls Buck’s pants down with so much fervor that Buck almost gasps as a chill hits his legs.

Eddie kisses him one more time, and then trails his mouth to Buck’s neck. The warmth of Eddie’s tongue sends shivers down his spine as Eddie bites down on his neck and grabs Buck’s cock with his hand. He gives it a few lazy pumps as he’s marking Buck’s neck, and all Buck could do was stand there - legs quivering.

“Shirt,” Eddie mumbles as he kisses his way across Buck’s neck without ever letting go of his cock. Buck’s mind is at the command of Eddie, and he finds himself fumbling to unbutton his shirt. Eddie practically growls at the sight of him, “You look so good right now.” 

Eddie moves his mouth to Buck’s nipple - still jerking him off. The sensation of Eddie’s warm mouth on his chest and the way Eddie tugs at his cock makes Buck squirm. It’s almost too much, and he’s already leaking precum in Eddie’s hand.

Eddie gets on his knees and looks up at Buck. His hands massaging Buck’s thighs lazily. His eyes asking for permission. All Buck can do is nod weakly. He lets out a gasp as Eddie takes Buck’s dick in his mouth. Eddie feels so warm and wet around him that Buck grips Eddie’s hair and lets out a moan.

Buck knows that Eddie’s new to this, but Eddie looks so beautiful like this, “You look so hot, Eddie,” he stutters, “Like this.” This only encourages Eddie on as the older man pushes his mouth further down Buck’s dick. What he can’t take in his mouth, Eddie uses his hand for.

“Just like that.”

Buck’s pretty sure his brain shortcircuits as Eddie tries to go deeper. The feeling of his cock hitting the back of Eddie’s throat - warm and wet - makes Buck’s legs quiver as he tightens his grip on Eddie’s hair, “Fuck.”

His eyes cross when Eddie swallows and pulls up with a loud pop. Eddie looks up at him and Buck can see that his mouth is practically glistening with spit and his precum. Buck can’t resist to trace Eddie’s lips with his fingers as Eddie grips his dick and tugs it a few times.

Eddie practically opens his mouth, and Buck sees this as an invitation to dip his two fingers in. The sound that Eddie makes as he practically moans and slobbers over his fingers makes Buck throb and twitch even more. Eddie looks hungrily at Buck’s cock and sees the sheen of precum leaking out of it and licks it up in one fell swoop. 

He licks the head of Buck’s member once and envelops Buck once again. Never losing eye contact, Buck sees Eddie bob up and down his dick, the only sound he hears is Eddie’s mouth going up and down.

Buck feels the heat pool around his stomach, and he doesn’t want it to end yet. Eddie’s still fully clothed, and Buck wants to see more, wants to do more to Eddie tonight. Buck pulls back and he can hear Eddie practically whine as his dick is practically dripping with Eddie’s spit, “I don’t want to come yet.”

He musters as he pulls Eddie up to kiss him. He wants to chase the taste of Eddie’s mouth. He steps out of his pants and throws his shirt aside, and lifts Eddie up. Eddie is all muscle, and it strains him, but the gasp that comes out of Eddie’s mouth makes it all worth it.

He carries Eddie to the bedroom and lays him down as gently as possible. Buck is frustrated that Eddie is still fully clothed, so he makes it his mission to strip him down as fast as he can. He starts with Eddie’s shirt first and then his pants. 

Buck sits up and marvels at the sight in front of him. He’s always known his best friend was hot - the way his chest was lean with sparse chest hair and his abs defined, but the way he looks right now underneath him with his legs splayed out and his cock hard and proud, it makes Buck visibly swallow.

Eddie smiles lazily at the way Buck looks at him, and Buck wants to capture that smile with his own mouth.

He looks at Eddie, underneath him, eyes heavy, lips plump and red. He asks, “What do you want tonight?”

“I want you to fuck me,” Eddie whispers. 

Buck’s eyes widen at Eddie’s frankness, “Babe, as much as I would like that, I think - uhm, I think you should fuck me.”

Eddie quirks his eyebrow teasingly, “Why? You think I - I don’t have experience -”

And before Eddie can say anything else, Buck grinds his hips. The skin to skin contact makes both of them hiss as their dicks finally touch. Buck grinds himself again, and the sound coming out of Eddie is filthy.

“Okay,” Eddie relinquishes, “I don’t have experience, I’m - whatever you want. Tell me what to do.”

It’s now Buck’s turn to laugh because he’s never seen Eddie this wrecked before that he just relinquishes control so easily.

“You got lube? And condoms?” Buck asks.

“Buck, I - I haven’t been with anyone after Shannon,” Eddie admits - a faint blush rising in his cheeks, “I - I’m clean.”

“Yeah? Me too. You’re sure?” Buck grins sheepishly as Eddie simply nods, “I want to feel all of you then.”

Eddie’s pretty sure he’s never moved so fast in his life as he reaches for the drawer and the bottle of lube, 

“Come here, give me your fingers,” Buck commands. He licks Eddie’s fingers and pours a gratuitous amount of lube on Eddie’s index and middle finger.

He smiles up at Eddie and spreads his legs wide, grabbing a pillow to tuck underneath the small of his back. Eddie maneuvers himself in between Buck’s legs, and his eyes are heavily trained on the younger man. 

“You won’t hurt me, Eds,” Buck says, “I trust you.” Buck can feel Eddie’s fingers tracing the the ring of muscles. The coldness of the lub makes Buck hiss, but the warmth of Eddie’s fingers entering him makes him heavily sigh, “You got this, you’re so good for me, Eddie.”

Eddie digs himself deeper, and Buck can see Eddie’s eyes roll back as he plants a kiss on his lips. Buck is practically purring as Eddie’s fingers slide deeper into him, “That’s it, in and out. You don’t have to be so gentle.”

Buck feels precum on his stomach. He knows he’s close to coming, and he knows he won’t last long, but he tries his best to push that part of himself away. He wants to feel Eddie inside of him. He wants to forego three fingers, but Eddie’s big, and he knows he’ll regret it in the morning.

He gestures for Eddie to give him his fingers again as he coats three fingers with lube, “You got this, babe, I want to be ready for you.” Eddie’s eyes are still trained on him as he slides three fingers into him. The sensation of himself stretching feels so good. Those are Eddie’s fingers that are inside of him, pushing in and out, stretching him wide. 

Buck gasps as Eddie seems to find that pleasure point inside of him. It’s almost too much that he grabs Eddie’s arm, “That’s the spot. I - I’m ready, Eddie, I’m ready.” 

He whines at the loss of Eddie’s fingers, but his excitement supersedes any loss as he’s ready to feel Eddie inside of him.

“Lay down on your back,” Buck commands. Eddie doesn’t say anything but complies. He grabs the bottle of lube, gives Eddie’s dick a few licks just to taste his precum, and coats it. 

He straddles Eddie, trapping Eddie’s body with his thighs as he lines himself right on top of Eddie’s cock. He feels Eddie throb at the ring of muscles between his ass as Eddie grips his thighs.

He slowly sinks down, and he feels hot to the touch. The warmth of Eddie’s dick sliding into him is almost too much. He tries his best to keep his eyes open, but the sensation of Eddie’s hard cock filling his walls makes Buck want to come right then and there. He tries his best to hold it as Eddie finally bottoms out inside of him. 

He finally opens his eyes, and he sees the heavy look on Eddie’s face, “You look so good like this, Evan, you’re so tight.”

The way Eddie says his name makes Buck dick twitch and he tightens his grip on Eddie’s dick. The sound that Eddie makes is almost animalistic, and it only encourages Buck to finally move. He grinds his hips on Eddie’s dick, and the way Eddie twitches and throbs inside of him knocks the wind out of him.

Buck leans back so his hands are firmly planted on the bed next to Eddie’s legs as he moves his body up and down at a good enough pace so that there’s goosebumps rising on his skin.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” Eddie whimpers as the older man grabs Buck’s dick and gives it a few tugs.

Buck swats his hand away, as much as he likes the sensation, he knows he’s dangerously close to coming.

Eddie sits up and before Buck realizes what’s happening, Eddie’s on top of him, kissing him deeply. He maneuvers Buck’s legs around him, and all Buck can do is lock his legs around him, trying to touch the hardness of Eddie’s six pack.

He feels Eddie’s dick at his entrance and hisses as Eddie enters him slowly, “Like that, Evan?”

“Yes, Eddie, fuck me.” Buck feels so full as Eddie thrusts in and out of him slowly. He wants more from him. He wants Eddie to move faster. Faster.

“Eddie,” Buck pleads, “Faster.” Eddie completely pulls himself out and pushes his dick all the way in. Buck’s vision blurs as the sensation of Eddie slamming into him, burying his cock deep in his ass is almost too much. Eddie pulls out once again and slams himself again, and Buck sees white as Eddie hits his pleasure point.

He cries out, “Yes, fuck, right there.” All he hears are grunts, moans, and the sound of Eddie slamming into him over and over again. The pool of arousal in his stomach hitting an all time high. His skin feels hot to the touch as Eddie spreads his legs open and his hips move faster. Buck feels his muscles tighten around Eddie’s cock as Eddie wraps his hand around Buck’s own dick. The way Eddie’s cock hits him over and over again to the way Eddie’s pumping his cock makes Buck sees stars. He cries out as he’s coming all over his stomach. Over and over again. He’s shivering and quivering as Eddie is still fucking him. 

The rhythm of Eddie’s hips become more desperate as Eddie lets out, “I’m close, Evan, I’m so close.” 

“Come, Eddie, come for me,” and that’s all it takes for Eddie to release himself inside of Buck over and over again. The grunts and moans send shivers down Buck’s spine as he feels Eddie’s dick twitch inside of him - filling his walls up. 

Eddie collapses on top of him, both of them slick with sweat and cum.

“I could, I could really get used to this,” Buck manages. Eddie kisses him hotly on the lips in agreement.  
  


**\----**

It was surprisingly easy telling Christopher that him and Buck were dating. Eddie had wanted to do it without Buck there just in case it would get ugly. He didn’t see why it would be considering the boy looked at Buck as some real life superhero, but he wanted to make sure anyway. He thought it was going to be a really big deal for Christopher, so much so that Eddie had made blueberry pancakes. His fingers twitching from nervousness. How do you tell your son that you’re dating someone? Let alone someone who is definitely not his mom and definitely not a woman.

“Christopher,” Eddie starts, “I have something to tell you. About Buck and me.”

“Are you two boyfriends?” Christopher blurts out.

“Wha-?” After all these years, Eddie’s still taken aback by how astute his son is, “Yeah, yeah, we are.”

“Okay,” Christopher shrugs.

“Okay,” Eddie says - smiling fondly at his son.

“Does this mean I get to see him more?”

“Yeah, buddy, yes, it does.” 

\----

Eddie had insisted on driving Buck to the airport (partly because Christopher had insisted as well, but Eddie wasn’t too hesitant). The last couple days had been some kind of bliss, and it has made Eddie feel whole again. He wanted to spend every single moment next to Buck fully knowing that Buck had to leave back to LA. He knew it was coming - that Buck had to leave sooner rather than later, but his heart still physically aches knowing that Buck would be thousands of miles away from him.

It was almost as if Buck knew what he was thinking because in that moment, he felt the younger man squeeze his hand just a little bit tighter. He gave Eddie that smile that he’s grown accustomed to, and the way Buck’s eyes stared at him, he knew that they would try to make this work. He just needed Buck to reaffirm that they were going to last, that he was enough for Buck to come back to.

“Eddie,” Buck says as he adjusts his carry on bag on his shoulder, “I’ll be back. I’ll come back to you. And Christopher.”

Eddie smiles at the other man - trying his best to put on a nonchalant face, but Buck sees right through him, “Any chance I get, I’ll be back here.”

“Yeah, Buck,” Christopher adds, “You still have to help me with the legos.” Buck tears his eyes away from Eddie and looks down at Christopher.

He kneels down to hug him, “Of course, little man, I’ll be back soon. I promise.” The term of endearment shoots straight to Eddie’s heart. He tries to shake off his fears and his feelings of inadequacies, but they stay rooted in him, “Take care of your Dad for me.” 

Buck hugs Christopher one last time and stands up to look at Eddie again. Eddie feels Buck’s strong hands on both of his shoulders, “Eddie, I - I love you.”

Eddie’s heard it before, actually, several times in the past few days, but it still reverberates in his chest. The way Buck says it, it feels like a promise. It’s a knife to kill all of Eddie’s insecurities and inadequacies.

“I love you too,” Eddie leans in to kiss him. It will work. Eddie’s convinced that he’ll make it work as long as Buck keeps trying with him.

“Who knows,” Buck says jokingly, “maybe I’ll convince you to move down to LA.” He laughs but he immediately sees the panic in Eddie’s eyes and winces.

“Eddie, I’m just joking. I don’t want you to move, yet. It’s a plan for the future. I’m - I’m planning for the future. Please don’t ghost me.” Buck scratches the back of his head.

Eddie tries his best to laugh it off, “I know.”

Buck seems unconvinced at Eddie’s answer as they both hear Buck’s flight announcing that they are now boarding. He leans down to hug Christopher one last time and gives him a kiss on his head. Eddie hears Buck telling Christopher to be good.

He hugs Buck one last time. Buck smiles at him and nods. 

Eddie tries his best to give Buck a smile as he boards the plane. He tries his best to quiet the thoughts running through his head.

\----

Buck: just landed i miss u already!

Eddie’s not an idiot. He’s not going to ghost Buck again even though his thoughts are running away from him as he sets the table for Christopher and him to have dinner. Of course he texts back.

Eddie: Miss you too, hope to see you soon. 

“Dad”, Christopher says. His voice sounding hesitate, “Are we moving to LA?”

“No,” Eddie blurts out immediately. 

“Oh,” Christopher’s voice sounds almost sad.

He doesn’t know how to respond. His whole life is here. Suddenly, all the emotions and thoughts of what happened with Shannon come flooding back. The anger and sadness of Shannon leaving him for the last time, telling him that he wasn’t enough for her to stay. It forms and sits there in his stomach. It’s only a matter of time for Buck to be tired of travelling back here, he thinks. Buck’s life is moving in a speed that Eddie realizes he might not be comfortable with. When Buck no doubtedly becomes more famous, there would be no room for Eddie and Christopher to be in it. 

Was he a fool to think that it would work out between them? Buck would surely get tired of this long distance relationship. He would find someone else that would be closer with less baggage, surely.

“Dad,” Christopher says looking earnestly at him.

“Sorry, kiddo. What did you ask?”

“Why not?” What did Christopher mean by this? He couldn’t just leave everything he built here behind. He couldn’t leave his Abuela, his job. Buck just paid for Chris’ tuition at a new school.

“Doesn’t Buck make you happy?” Christopher continues. 

“It’s more complicated than that,” Eddie admits. It is, right? Eddie’s whole life is here. What would he say to his Abuela? Can he really just uproot his life, his son for someone he just rekindle his relationship with? Isn’t it too soon for Buck to even say something like that? 

“I don’t get it,” Christopher sighs, “Buck makes you happy. You make him happy. You two are together now, right?”

“We are,” Eddie admits.

“Don’t people who are together live together?” 

“Well, not at first, they see if they like each other first.”

“You two said you loved each other.”

When did this kid get so observant? Eddie chuckled at his son’s line of questioning.

“Yeah, kiddo, we do, but won’t you miss your friends? Your abuela?”

“Do they not have airplanes in LA?” Eddie can’t tell if his son’s being sarcastic. Christopher furrows his eyebrows, “Would moving to LA make you happy?”

Eddie wants to say no, but he’s not sure that’s the truth. He wants to tell his son that it’s complicated, and he doesn’t know all the answers to these questions. He just knows that Buck makes him happy, and he wants to remain being happy for as long as he can. 

He hears his phone ringing, and he almost sighs a relief as it grants him an escape from his son’s interrogation.

“Buck?” 

“He-hey, Eddie,” Buck sounds hesitant on the phone, and Eddie doesn’t know why, but he loves the sound of Buck’s voice.

“Is everything alright?”

“Ye-yeah, I know this might sound ridiculous, but uhm, you weren’t answering my texts, and I thought you were ghosting me again. Shit, I’m being needy, and I-”

He hadn’t even noticed that Buck was texting him, “Buck, I wasn’t ignoring you. I was having dinner.”

“Look,” Buck starts, “About what I said earlier. I didn’t mean for you to like move in with me right away. I just meant like later on, down the road, I already can’t stand not being next to you. I just need to know that there’s a future for us. I, I want to make this work, Eddie. I need this to work.”

Eddie wants that too. He’s just so scared. Everything just seems so delicate and fragile between them when there’s thousands of miles tearing them apart, “Buck, I want this to work too. I was just - just caught off guard with the comment. Now you got Chris interrogating me about moving to LA.”

“Yeah?” Buck says teasingly, “He’s on my side?”

“Don’t push it,” Eddie huffs, “ I - I just, I don’t want to lose you, but I’m - I’m afraid.” He takes in a breath. After all this time, he’s still uncomfortable expressing his emotions like this. It feels too daunting a task to lay it all out on the line, but his trust in Buck trumps over his insecurities.

“I’m scared that - my whole life is here. My abuela, you paid for that new school, I - my career is here.”

“Hey,” Buck’s voice is a whisper again. It tethers Eddie to sanity again, “We’ll take it slow. I’m going to fly back as much as I can, and whenever Chris has a break, you can fly out here, it’s no big deal. We’re in this.”

Buck’s confidence and reassurance dims the insecurities bouncing around Eddie’s mind.

“I love you,” Eddie musters because he feels so overwhelmed with how much he truly loves Buck, and how much this man cares for him. He doesn’t deserve it, but he’s willing to try his best to do whatever he can to deserve him.

“Also, Eddie, you know there’s fires in LA too, right?”

“I’m hanging up now,” Eddie pouts.

“Hey, wait!” Buck laughs, “Before you go, tell Christopher thanks for being on my side.”

“Absolutely hanging up now,” he hears Buck laughing on the other end, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Eds,” Buck says through his laughter.

They hang up. It’s going to be okay, Eddie thinks. They’ll take it slow. Eddie can handle this. He’s resolute in the idea that he’ll do whatever it takes to be with Buck.

\----

Eddie wakes up to a youtube link that Buck sends him. It’s followed by several kissy face emojis. The last few days has been easier than he thought. The constant texts and updates from Buck has made the distance between them easier to handle. 

Buck’s even facetime on occasion to see Christopher, and then he also facetimes Eddie at night so they can “speak” to each other privately. It doesn’t make up for not waking up next to him, but it does make Eddie’s heart fond of the way Buck tries to make it work. He tries his best to make it work too. He's set some money aside to buy a plane ticket to visit Buck - not wanting to tell the other man that he's done so.

He tries his best to believe that there’s no trap door. He tries to push down his feelings of inadequacies. He opens the youtube link, and it’s Buck in a random interview.

The Youtube is titled, “Evan Buckley confesses his feelings and comes out.” Eddie sits straight up in his bed. He wouldn’t. 

No, he takes it back. Buck definitely would.

“Welcome back, if you’re just joining us, we’re excited to have Evan Buckley, emmy award winner, with us today.” The interviewer, a blonde lady, turns to Buck. Buck is wearing a very tight black collared shirt that makes his muscles bulge, but that’s not the only thing that catches Eddie’s eyes. Eddie sees a necklace that Buck has never worn before. He almost gasps as he sees the key dangling from it - the same key he gave to him on Christmas Eve.

“So tell us about your character on the show?”

“Well, you see,” Buck begins, “I’m so happy to be able to play him! He’s emotionally vulnerable and tough at the same time. I want to say he’s a lot like me, but he’s a better version of me.”

The interviewer leans in, “Some of the scenes, with Abby, oh man, they were steamy. You drew from your real life relationship with her, right?” 

Eddie frowns. That wasn’t subtle at all.

He sees Buck hesitate a little. He fumbles with the key and sucks in a breath, “Well, actually.” Eddie’s holding his breath - hanging onto every word that Buck says, “We broke up.”

He hears the interviewer gasp, but his eyes are trained on Buck’s reaction. He sees Buck hesitate and fidget in his seat, “I’m in love.” 

Buck’s cheeks grow rosy and he gives the interviewer a shy smile, “I recently came back to my hometown after a while of not being there, and I’m, I’m in love with someone, a man.”

Eddie can feel his heart beating in his chest, “I’m in love with my best friend and his kid. They - they mean a lot to me, and I’m in love with him. And I couldn’t be happier.”

The interviewer, trying to collect herself, “That’s fantastic, Evan, I’m so happy for you.”

The interview goes on for a little longer as the interviewer tries to ask more questions. He doesn’t care, and he just really wants to hear Buck’s voice right now.

He calls Buck right away.

“I hope I didn’t overstep,” Buck starts without saying hello, “I - I just really wanted to tell the world how lucky I am to have someone like you in my life. Someone so kind and generous and, and hot. Eddie, I felt so alone all this time, and I - I didn’t know that it was because I was missing this piece, I was missing you from my life. I had to run away and be gone for five years to discover that it was you, it was you that I was missing.”

Eddie’s heart swells inside of him. He clutches his phone, “Buck, you didn’t overstep. I love you, and I don’t know how many times I’ll say it, but I’ll never get tired of saying it. I am just so, so in love with you. You don’t have to be alone anymore, I’m here. With you. As long as you’ll have me.”

Buck’s declaration of love on national TV shifted the ground underneath Eddie. Eddie’s not an idiot. He knows that there will be conflict and oceans for them to cross, but in this moment, Eddie’s insecurities didn’t feel like this impossible mountain that he couldn’t traverse. 

Eddie knows that there will be days when he’ll still feel like he’s undeserving of the love that Buck has offered him, but he’s confident in their relationship now. He still feels like there are cracks in his resolve, but if Buck can go on TV to confess his love for him, then Eddie can overcome his feeling of inadequacies in order to give Buck the love he deserves.

If there was one word to describe how Eddie feels in this moment, it would be contentment. Eddie feels happiness settling in his marrow, filling in the cracks that inadequacies had left behind. He knows he’s a little damaged and scarred from his past, but he makes it his mission to be worthy of Buck’s love. 

He’s set on making it his mission to make the other man never feel alone again. Resolute in his love for Buck, distance seems like a small obstacle to overcome.

He decides to book a ticket to see Buck right after their phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had initially thought of a time in their life in the future where Buck basically remodels his whole mansion so that it is kid-friendly for Christopher to move in as a grand gesture, but I felt like this ending fitted Eddie's journey a little bit more.
> 
> \---
> 
> Okay, listen, _LISTEN_. Thank you so much for welcoming me into this fandom. I was a long term lurker, and this plot ran away from me. I am a pretty harsh critic to my own writing (that I cringe every time I have to reread my own writing to fix it) AND English is my second language (my first being Vietnamese), but your words and your kudos kept me going. This was merely an idea in my head, but you all have been so welcoming and warm and lovely that it encouraged me to keep writing. I owe you all so much for sticking through with it, and you can expect me to write more about these two bumbling idiots in the near future.
> 
> I have a lot of AUs in my head. Thank you so much for this journey. I CANNOT say it enough how much your words, kudos, and comments have mean to me. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. See you soon! :)


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